All right, mes amis, listen here. I am the famous French (Canadian) detective, Inspector Faux Clousaux and here is mon assistante and turnip-handler, Mike-o. We are here investigating the murder of the latest podcast series “Zis Looks Like Ze Bon Place Pour a Stick-up.” Did I mention I was French (Canadian)? I believe that un of you is behind zis terrible . . . pardon, Mike-o? Really? You think my cravat is too last-season? Bon, bon, merci. Excusez-moi, I have instructed Mike-o to randomly attack my fashion sense, to prevent le sartorial complacency. Well done, Mike-o. Now, when last seen, ze series was discussing the, how you say, movie “Le Pink Panther,” the absurdist comedy about le thief de jewels and a bumbling French inspector. How laughable. As if zere could be le bumbling inspector . . . oh! Pardonez-moi, I almost knocked that priceless Ming vase onto that case of Faberge eggs. That would have been a terrible, if hilarious mishap. Now, to business! I believe this to be the work of the legendary criminale Le Petit Cheval, the, how you say, Pony. Now, if the charming French maid wouldn’t mind moving her hooves from the Persian rug, we can . . . un moment! Hooves?! Stop that maid! She is Le Pony! We have you now, miscreante! We . . . my shoes? What is wrong with my choice of shoes? NOT NOW, MIKE-O! The rest of you, give le listen to le case notes, or as you say in America, le Caste’ de Pod while we pursue the equine evil-doer! Arrete! Halt!
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I know I am in a minority when I say this but I think that there is hidden deep inside the movie, Reptilicus a really good giant monster movie. Get rid of the 15 minutes of Tripoli vacation footage and give the monster a really cool modern makeover. I’m not sure if they should keep the sort of romance between the American general and the Swedish guy or the scientist basically offering his daughters to the male characters and they don’t seem to mind, but there was definitely something in there that could be used to make a really either crazy movie or just a really interesting one. They should definitely not include the Reptilicus song.
Excuse me? You want “Reptilicus” WITHOUT the song? Sir, I must respectfully disagree; the song simply needs alteration and perhaps a different performer. I’m thinking “Weird Al” Yankovic would do a killer version! Maybe get Jim Carey as the comic lead . . . this could work!
It couldn’t be worse!