Category: Series 49 – Tops and Bottoms

This time we’re starting with the Bottom of 2015 in our “Tops and Bottoms” series (dammit, why does Mike keep giggling at that title?) and the biggest money loser of 2015 was “Jem and the Holograms,” a live action movie based on an 80’s cartoon about a girl-group popstar band. Now, regardless of what we have to say about this movie, I have to point out that this film was clearly doomed from the start. What was John Chu thinking when he signed on to direct? If you’re going to adapt a cartoon about a musical group, how could you choose anything other than that under-appreciated classic “Jabberjaw”?! I mean, really, how can you top a talking shark who does an impression of Curly Howard while using Rodney Dangerfield’s classic catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!” Comedy gold! I’m thinking Ryan Reynolds for Biff, Margot Robie for Bubbles, Megan Fox as Shelley, Jared Leto as Clamhead, and Sir Ian McKellen as the voice of a CGI Jabberjaw. My god, it writes itself! Hanna-Barbera, you’re sitting on an untapped gold mine! You could make the underwater world of the show a kind of dystopian, post-apocalyptic setting! Think “Waterworld” meets “Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space”! Have your people call my people! In the meantime, give a listen as we discuss what these poor saps actually chose for source material. So misguided . . .

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Well, in this episode of “Tops and Bottoms,” we move from the Top grossing film of 1959 to . . . well, the bottom grossing film. Hoo boy, this is gonna be painful. What’s it going to be? Some late-career Ed Wood movie? Ooo, are we going to get another entry from the Cor-man? There are so many of his we still haven’t endured, I mean, seen! Heh, I bet it’s some teen movie or cheap science fiction dreck. Let’s check the Max-O-Tron 9000000 . . . oh . . . huh. “Sleeping Beauty.” Ok, sure this must be some sort of knockoff from some cheesy Latvian or Upper Voltan animation studio, right? Sort of thing they used to sell on the streets of Times Square? Ok, so who produced this . . . wait . . . Walt Disney? Not Wahllte Dizney? Or Wal Tdisney? It was, you know, Disney Disney? Uh . . . wow . . . so, “Snow White,” “Cinderella” . . . that Disney. How . . . what . . . when . . . plankton . . . uh, give a listen, ok? We gotta work on this for a while.

Poll question: Who is your favorite animated hero? Leave a comment or call our 3D animated hotline at 617-398-7266

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Friends, Romans, Countryfolk . . . lend me a dollar, won’t you? No? Well, fine, we’re doing a new series anyway! So quo that in your vadis! This time we’re choosing a random year every two episodes and discussing the most successful movie of that year and the biggest bomb of that year. At Mike’s direction, we’re calling it “Tops and Bottoms.” Personally, I don’t see what bathing suit components have to do with cinema, but Mike was very insistent about this title . . . although he kept giggling every time he said it, so I’m not sure how serious he was. Tops and Bottoms . . . nossir, I don’t get it. Anyway, this time we’re using the highly sophisticated Max-O-Tron 9000000 to generate the year (ignore any rumors that you might hear regarding the fact that the Max-O-Tron 9000000 is, in fact, a six-sided die and a set of percentile dice. Lies, I tell you, lies!) and through this incredibly complex algorithm (it would take a scientist to explain it), we settled on 1959. And what was 1959’s biggest cinematic success? A small-scale family drama involving a nice Jewish family called “Ben-Hur.” There’s love, spear-throwing, a friendly little chariot race and a few appearances by a young Jewish fella who broke his parents’ hearts by refusing to become a doctor and didn’t HE live to regret it! And remember: you’ll take Ben-Hur’s chariot when you pry it from his cold, dead hands, you damn dirty ape! Give a listen!

Poll question: when you hear that a movie is a multi-Oscar winner, does that influence your desire to see it? Positively or negatively? Leave a comment or call our Oscar-nominated hotline at 617-398-7266

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