Author: Max&Mike

Ahem. Hello. Thank you. The Moon. What is it? Merriam-Webster’s dictionary describes the Moon as “the earth’s natural satellite that shines with the sun’s reflected light.” There are many interesting things about the moon. It is 238,000 miles from the earth. Its mass is approximately 7.34 x 10²² kilograms. And, as you all know, it is not a naturally occurring celestial body but rather an artificial megastructure created by aliens. Oh, and it is also hollow and full of extra-testicle, I mean, extra-terrestrial technology, hey, quit laughing, Billy, you know what I meant, shut up! Oh man, my report is ruined and I didn’t even get to the clips from the brilliant Rolland Emmerich documentary “Moonfall” which closes out the “Disaster Porn” series! This isn’t funny, you guys, quit it! This is super important! The aliens might decide to use the moon itself to destroy us! It’s true! My uncle showed me this website, right? Why can’t you . . . what, ma’am? The principal’s office? Right now? Aw, geez . . . .

Poll question: what is your favorite cult movie?

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In this, our penultimate “Disaster Porn” episode, we climb the very heights of the skyscraper that is Irwin Allen’s work. Yes, we work our way up the cinematographic staircases of this film, gliding up in the scenic elevators of plot, through the hideously decorated offices of cinematic wonder into the narrative sprinkler system of this work, one of the most successful films of 1974, a film that earned a veritable tower of money before all the money . . . burst into . . . an inferno . . . of profits? Sorry, the metaphor kind of got away from me a bit. This is quite the towering film (in that it is almost three hours long) and a real inferno of talent (in that you can see a number of classic Hollywood legends like Fred Astaire, William Holden, and Jennifer Jones, and watch their careers shrivel and blacken into ash in this movie). We also get to see Paul Newman and Steve McQueen battle to the death over whose eyes are bluer! Also, we can guarantee that this movie is 98% murderer-free! Yes, only one actual murderer we know of is in this movie! Give a listen to find out who, and enjoy the other, non-murdering performers.

Poll question: who was your favorite Hollywood comeback actor? Who do you really like who faded out then reappeared successfully?

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 . . . and that was “Pony Love” by Bumpy and the Bumptones here on WMMM radio! Now over to Meteorological Max for the weather!

Thanks, Mike, I’m here in Ol’ Choppy, the WMMM weather-eye copter and I gotta tell you folks down on the ground, you are in for one funky commute! What with the desalinization of the North Atlantic Current, we are seeing all kinds of kooky, zany superstorms today. Tornadoes are touching down in midtown, so maybe a good time to bring in those window box plants. Big ‘ol hailstones are falling and concussing random Japanese businessmen on the street! Whoops, fellas, maybe should have stayed a bit later at the office, huh? And, wow, through some sort of scientifically inexplicable reason, super cold air is being drawn down through a big ring of Spielberg Clouds and causing people, buildings, and flags to instantly flash-freeze, so if you’re still getting ready to leave the house, better snag that extra scarf! I’m look down over the New York Public Library and . . . is that . . . yes, it is! There’s Hollywood heartthrob Jake Gyllenhaal trying to outrun the . . . cold, I guess, along with two never-to-be-heard-from-again friends! Good luck, Jake; hope you’ve been keeping up with that cardio! This afternoon’s forecast shows catastrophic flooding and scattered wolves, so leave a little extra time for your drive home, huh? Darn it, it looks like the super-cooled air is freezing the fuel lines of Ol’ Choppy here so we’ll be spiraling in for a crash landing. Mike, be sure to tell the folks how they enter to win a WMMM “I ♥ Ol’ Choppy” t-shirt before we go to [static]

If you’re done listening to WMMM’s wacky morning DJs, give a listen to this latest Roland Emmerich-a-licious entry in our “Disaster Porn” series. Pour one out for Ol’ Choppy, won’t you?

Poll question: What is your favorite documentary?

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Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of mighty ship
That got hit by a massive wave and over it did flip
Gene Hackman was the preacher man
And Bognine was a cop
Just how could they escape that ship
When the bottom was the top?
The bottom was the top.
The stars, they started dying off
Which ones, we shall reveal,
So, Shelly Winters swam real far
And Linda climbed in heels.
Yes, how’d she climb in heels?
So, join “Poseidon Adventure,”
An Irwin Allen treat.
With Max and Mike and Bumpy,
Our crew is now complete.
Here on Max, Mike; Movies Isle!

(Hey, we could have an isle; you don’t know!)

Poll question: Do you like your disaster porn intimate (one vehicle/building) or gigantic/planetary?

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It’s a rare occurrence where an event occurs that a piece of “Disaster Porn” predicted and described but just within the past week, scientists as the University of Peking released findings saying that the core of the planet Earth (you know the one) was slowing down and could possibly reverse direction. Well, here at Max, Mike; Movies, we are nothing if not relevant so we are discussing the eerily prescient 2003 cinematic prognostication “The Core,” director, nay, prophet Jon Amiel’s almost Nostradamus-like speculation on what would happen if such a thing actually happened. And now just look at us: surely,  famous landmarks are bursting into lighting-explosions, common urban birds have developed the super-avian strength needed to crash through safety glass, and Stanley Tucci is wearing a wild hairpiece . . . huh . . . uh, maybe “Nostradamus-like” is a little bit . . . much. Give a listen and see how much (if anything) this movie got right (spoiler alert: however much you think it got right? It’s less than that).

Think I’m kidding about the event actually happening? Check this out:
https://www.cnn.com/2023/01/25/world/earth-core-turning-scli-scn-intl/index.html

Poll question: who’s your favorite cinematic giant monster? Godzilla? King Kong? The Host?

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ACLU: https://www.aclu.org/

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Look at these foolish humans, K’lxfthmrq’zzz’tingting! See how they wallow in their foolish podcasts and their foolish so-called “Disaster Porn!” What foolish fools they are! Truly, they make my humor nodules harmonize most emphatically! How little they realize their peril as we prepare our Sinestron warriors in their Devestatrix ships to rain destruction down upon this miserable planet so that we may plunder their precious clam beds! Oh, how my humor nodules . . . wait! How did a human get aboard our EssEffEx mothership, through our Plot-holium hull?! Curse our need for human-sized door-portals! No! Human! Get away from that easily-recognizable Destroy-All-Antagonists button! It’s made of pure Narrativeconvencium! Noooooooooo!
*Floop*
Yes, this week we’re checking out what may be Roland “That Blowed Up Real Good!” Emmerich’s greatest creation (take that for what it’s worth) “Independence Day” or “ID4” as the kids say.  It’s got all you need: stereotypical old Jewish men, Randy Quaid playing himself, creepy not-really-Gigeresque-aliens, strippers, wise-cracking fighter pilots, very recognizable landmarks going BOOM, and Jeff Goldblum just Jeff Goldbluming the whole place up. Join us for the end of the world as we know it, because Mike and I both feel fine.

Poll question: Who is your favorite cinematic action hero character, male or female?

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ACLU: https://www.aclu.org/

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Hide the pets! Sell the children! It’s another in our “Disaster Porn” series and this one is from that groovy, swinging era that got it all started, the 70’s! Far out, man! This one is “Earthquake”, man, and it’s too cool, you turkeys! Dig it! We ain’t fakin’! Whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on! No, they did NOT use that Jerry Lee Lewis hit as the haunting love theme for “Earthquake”, which was a big mistake on their part. They missed out on that whole marrying-an-underage-cousin demographic (ooo, too soon?). This movie has it all: property destruction, nervous sheep, Ava Gardner, Lorne Green, savage high-voltage cables, George “Something’s Going to Blow Up Real Soon” Kennedy, senseless loss of bovine life, Victoria Principal (who probably needed a separate trailer for her hair), and Charlton Heston. And if you want his wife, you’ll have to pry her from his cold, dead hands . . . ew, that’s a lot worse in this movie’s context. Pull up a Richter scale and join us for this tale of everyday life on Los Angeles!

Poll question: what is your favorite cinematic hand-to-hand fight scene, with or without melee weapons? No guns allowed!

George Floyd Memorial Fund:  https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd

ACLU: https://www.aclu.org/

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Welcome to our new series: “Disaster Porn”! Why? Because everyone loves porn! And everyone loves disasters! (don’t question me about either of those statements, dammit). So we thought, why not combine two great tastes . . . or two really horrible tastes, if you’re more “reasonable,” and do a series about it. Because, come on, isn’t there some part of you that agrees with Homer Simpson when he’s watching a series of Drivers Ed films that depict horrific, bloody accidents: “Hee hee! It’s funny because I don’t know them!” So, buckle up for big dose of schadenfreude! This week’s entry is a disaster on a number of levels: 2017’s “Geostorm” starring Gerard Butler. No, that’s not a typo. Apparently, Mr. Butler needed his summer house re-shingled or something, because he helped produce this cinematic bolus about a global weather-control satellite system that goes horribly (or delightfully) wrong and rains down world-wide weather calamities (see what I did there with the weather pun? Of course you did. I’ll see myself out). So slip into an easy-to-wear spacesuit and join us to find out if this one is an unintentional delight or a true disaster. And remember: Dutch Boy will save us!

Poll question: what disaster movie plot do you find the most unbelievable?

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ACLU: https://www.aclu.org/

Black Lives Matter: https://secure.actblue.com/donate/ms_blm_homepage_2019

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