Author: Max&Mike

[dramatic music] Good evening! Welcome to a special edition of Max, Mike; News in another in our continuing expose: “Directors in Short Pants.” Tonight, our subject is: “it.” Just what is “it”? How is “it” effecting our children? Is “it” currently illegal? Should “it” be legalized? How does “it” effect our economy? Is “it” in your very neighborhood? Could “it” be lurking in your home? Is “it” making promises it can’t keep? Should we be concerned about foreign versions of “it” entering out country? Our guest this evening is Mr. Spike Jones, who, in his first feature film, boldly asserts that “She” has to have “it.” Is this true? How badly does anyone need “it”? Stay tuned and we’ll try to present you with the answers. Please stay tuned. Please. Please, baby baby, please, stay tuned . . .

Poll question: Who’s your favorite female cinematic character?

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We are trundling along through our “Directors in Short Pants” series! This week, our contestant (contestant?!) is Robert Rodriguez; you may know him as the director of the beloved children’s movie series “Spy Kids” (who else could get Ricardo Montalban and Sylvester Stallone in the same scene?!) or you may know him as the creator of such massively violent films such as “Desperado” and “Once Upon a Time in Mexico.” But in his first outing as a director, we find that he is in fact . . . a maker of educational films! Who knew? Before I saw “El Mariachi,” I just thought of a Mariachi as a skilled guitar player and vocalist. Little did I dream that your average Mariachi is also skilled with mace-and-chain, multiple firearms, and precision acrobatics, not to mention improvised ziplining! I mean! We can learn so much from Mr. Rodriguez. Thank you, Robert, for teaching us so much and for making us laugh at love . . . again. Find out what else we learned by giving a listen!

Poll question: If there is violence in a movie, is it better for it to be bloodless and cartoony or realistic and brutal? Leave a comment or bludgeon our hotline at 617-398-7266

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Were you born in a cross-fire hurricane? Did you or any member of your family howl at your ma in the driving rain? Have you been crowned with a spike right through your head? If so, you may be entitled to compensation. Here at the law firm of Max, Mike, & Bumpy, we can help you get the payment you deserve for your difficulties. Others may tell you that it’s all right now, some attorneys may try to convince you that it’s a gas but at Max, Mike, & Bumpy, we know better. In fact, we will school such people with a strap right across their back. We think our client series “Directors in Short Pants” speaks for itself but why not come down to the offices of Max, Mike, & Bumpy and we will give you a free consultation session. Come on down today! At Max, Mike, & Bumpy, we will make your adversaries feel like they’ve been drowned, washed up, and left for dead. Now that’s a gas, gas, gas! Give a listen today!

Poll question: what ingredient, if any, do you feel is missing from today’s movies? Leave a comment or call our hotline at 617-398-7266

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This week we plunge along in the mysterious wilderness that is “Directors in Short Pants” with the directorial debut of Sofia “Please Don’t Make Me Act Anymore, Dad!” Coppola. Her freshman effort was “The Virgin Suicides,” perhaps not as popular as some of her later films but one that certainly got talked about. Honestly, it’s kind of hard to come up with a funny blurb this week given this film’s content and underlying theme (spoiler alert: the title of the film is kind of a spoiler itself). While we hope you’ll give a listen to our show, we would like to mention that, regardless of our overall opinion of the movie, both Mike and I would urge you to only watch the movie if you’re in a sound place emotionally. If the darkness of the outside world is getting to you (as it is to me), this is not the sort of “pleasant escape” movie that might help. Just putting that out there. Our show, on the other hand, IS a pleasant escape . . . from quality or talent! Har har! See what I did there? Wakka wakka! Heyooo! . . . Yeah, the movie is kind of a bummer.

Poll question: Is there any subject you feel is too delicate, sensitive, or inappropriate to be portrayed in a movie? Leave a comment or call our hotline at 617-398-7266

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Woowww, it’s another episode of “Directors in Short Pants” again, that’s wild. We’re checking out Wes Anderson’s first effort, “Bottle Rocket.” While this movie is devoid of weird prop shots, the sounds of typewriters, twee costumes, and has a profound lack of either Bill Murray or Tilda Swinton, please believe me when I tell you that this is certainly a Wes Anderson movie. We do get not one, not two, but three Wilson brothers in this. Yes, in addition to Anderson faves Luke and Owen (in their first on-screen appearances), we also get the third Wilson brother, Zeppo. No, wait, that’s wrong . . . Shemp? No, still not right . . . Andrew! That’s it, Andrew Wilson, who went on to do many other movies of some sort or other, I’m sure of it. Put on your beret, listen to some plinking harpsicord music and give a listen.

Unrelated, I still think this Saturday Night Live bit that asks the question “what if Wes Anderson made a horror film?” is pretty spot-on.

Poll question: what actor, male or female, has done something on or off screen that’s made you just say “no more!” Leave a comment or call our hotline at 617-398-7266

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Flickering dizzying hypnotic light.
The director reaches out to snare your eyes, your mind, your heart.
First time. The director despoils the virgin film with his demands.
Light and shadows dance.
Up is down. Right is wrong.
Whatever the director says is truth for those few minutes in a dark theater.
Gum clings to your shoe.
The film clings to your soul.
Shadows. John Cassavetes. Meaning. Meaningless. There is nothing.
There is only the film.

              — “Movies Am Good” by Max Kerowacky

Poll question: Is there a director that you really just can’t stand, whose name you see and just go “nope”?

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We’re plunging ahead with our series “Directors in Short Pants” with Robert Eggers’ first egg-fort (I’m sorry; I’ll leave quietly) “The Witch.” What’s that? You’ve never seen this movie? Well, you must be A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN THEM! BURRRRNNN THEEMMMMMM! *ahem* Anyway, you can clearly see the themes and tropes that Eggers uses throughout his just-starting-out career. You can’t seem them? Only a WITCH WOULDN’T SEE THEM! A WITCH! THEY MUST BE BUUUURRRRRNED! Um, so right, I don’t know about you but this movie had no effect on me whatsoever and anyone it did effect could only BE A WITCH! WITCH! WITCH! WITCHES EVERYWHERE! MY MAIL CARRIER IS A WITCH! THAT POODLE! WITCH!! THAT FRYING PAN! IT’S A WITCH! BURN THEM! BURN EVERYONE! BURN ME! ONLY ANOTHER WITCH WOULD SEE WITCHES EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Give a listen, won’t you? Don’t make me accuse you of witchcraft! ‘cause I’ll do it! You know I will!

Poll question: who is your favorite witch of movie or TV fame? Comment or call our “Witch Accusation Hotline” at 617-398-7266

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Yeah, hi, so, y’know, I guess we’re doing a new series, or whatever. Something about famous directors, right, and their first-ever full-length movies and stuff. Or whatever. “Directors in Short Pants” or something, I dunno, none of it really matters. Everything’s set against us, right? It’s all big plots by alien Freemasons and junk, right? So what’s the point of anything? So, we’re starting, I guess, with this guy Richard Linklatter (like that’s a real name, right?) and he did a movie in 1990 called “Slacker,” right, so I guess, ooo, he’s SUCH  a big deal and we should just all fall on our knees and worship him and whatever, right? Just because he, you know, DID a thing. So capitalistic. He’s just another guy working for the Man, ok? At least here, Mike and I aren’t being hypocrites, right? I mean, we’ve got podcast, right, so OBVIOUSLY we’re making the world better by talking about movies and stuff, ok? How? Oh, you wanna know how talking about movies makes the world better? Oh man, if you really wanna know, here, you’re gonna need this flowchart I sketched on a Denny’s napkin . . . so, it really starts with the Hollow Earth Theory, ok? And there are like these lizard people who started the Rosicrucians and . . . hey, where you going? C’mon! I got more napkins . . . can I at least bum a smoke?

Poll question: What movie have you seen the most times IN A THEATER? Streaming, home video doesn’t count?

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