Episode 389 – Star Wars: the Force Awakens (2015)

A long, long time ago . . . ok, so it was eleven years . . . in a galaxy, far, far away . . . except it’s actually the one we’re in now, and it wasn’t even that far away on this planet so this is clearly going nowhere WHY did I take this job?! ANYWAY . . . so, here and now in our series “Tops and Bottoms” we’re tackling the first film in the third trilogy . . . yeah, that’s about right, of the “Star Wars” behemoth, “The Force Awakens”, a film that was in no way divisive and everyone had well-thought-out and calm reactions to and that they addressed in polite and civil discourse with one another and nobody was mean or vicious or racist or sexist and then they all went to the sea shore (that’s a deeper). This was, big surprise, the biggest earner of Republic credits or quatloos or something in 2015, so that means we’re gonna discuss it. Don’t worry, we’re going to be models of decorum and talk about this film in a measured and reasonable fashion, provided that Mike agrees with everything I say and doesn’t try to be an EVIL AND BAD DUMB MR. WRONGY MCWRONGHEAD FROM WRONGSVILLE AND FAIL TO TREAT MY OPINIONS AS GOSPEL WRITTEN UPON GOLDEN TABLETS AND STUFF! So, sure, this’ll be fun . . . . give a listen and find out how much fun!

Poll question: Who is your favorite Star Wars character and why?

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Episode 388 – Jem and the Holograms (2015)

This time we’re starting with the Bottom of 2015 in our “Tops and Bottoms” series (dammit, why does Mike keep giggling at that title?) and the biggest money loser of 2015 was “Jem and the Holograms,” a live action movie based on an 80’s cartoon about a girl-group popstar band. Now, regardless of what we have to say about this movie, I have to point out that this film was clearly doomed from the start. What was John Chu thinking when he signed on to direct? If you’re going to adapt a cartoon about a musical group, how could you choose anything other than that under-appreciated classic “Jabberjaw”?! I mean, really, how can you top a talking shark who does an impression of Curly Howard while using Rodney Dangerfield’s classic catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!” Comedy gold! I’m thinking Ryan Reynolds for Biff, Margot Robie for Bubbles, Megan Fox as Shelley, Jared Leto as Clamhead, and Sir Ian McKellen as the voice of a CGI Jabberjaw. My god, it writes itself! Hanna-Barbera, you’re sitting on an untapped gold mine! You could make the underwater world of the show a kind of dystopian, post-apocalyptic setting! Think “Waterworld” meets “Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space”! Have your people call my people! In the meantime, give a listen as we discuss what these poor saps actually chose for source material. So misguided . . .

Poll question: can you think of a cartoon show from your past that would make a good live-action movie? Leave a comment or call our live-action hotline at 617-398-7266

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Episode 387 – Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Well, in this episode of “Tops and Bottoms,” we move from the Top grossing film of 1959 to . . . well, the bottom grossing film. Hoo boy, this is gonna be painful. What’s it going to be? Some late-career Ed Wood movie? Ooo, are we going to get another entry from the Cor-man? There are so many of his we still haven’t endured, I mean, seen! Heh, I bet it’s some teen movie or cheap science fiction dreck. Let’s check the Max-O-Tron 9000000 . . . oh . . . huh. “Sleeping Beauty.” Ok, sure this must be some sort of knockoff from some cheesy Latvian or Upper Voltan animation studio, right? Sort of thing they used to sell on the streets of Times Square? Ok, so who produced this . . . wait . . . Walt Disney? Not Wahllte Dizney? Or Wal Tdisney? It was, you know, Disney Disney? Uh . . . wow . . . so, “Snow White,” “Cinderella” . . . that Disney. How . . . what . . . when . . . plankton . . . uh, give a listen, ok? We gotta work on this for a while.

Poll question: Who is your favorite animated hero? Leave a comment or call our 3D animated hotline at 617-398-7266

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Episode 386 – Ben Hur (1959)

Friends, Romans, Countryfolk . . . lend me a dollar, won’t you? No? Well, fine, we’re doing a new series anyway! So quo that in your vadis! This time we’re choosing a random year every two episodes and discussing the most successful movie of that year and the biggest bomb of that year. At Mike’s direction, we’re calling it “Tops and Bottoms.” Personally, I don’t see what bathing suit components have to do with cinema, but Mike was very insistent about this title . . . although he kept giggling every time he said it, so I’m not sure how serious he was. Tops and Bottoms . . . nossir, I don’t get it. Anyway, this time we’re using the highly sophisticated Max-O-Tron 9000000 to generate the year (ignore any rumors that you might hear regarding the fact that the Max-O-Tron 9000000 is, in fact, a six-sided die and a set of percentile dice. Lies, I tell you, lies!) and through this incredibly complex algorithm (it would take a scientist to explain it), we settled on 1959. And what was 1959’s biggest cinematic success? A small-scale family drama involving a nice Jewish family called “Ben-Hur.” There’s love, spear-throwing, a friendly little chariot race and a few appearances by a young Jewish fella who broke his parents’ hearts by refusing to become a doctor and didn’t HE live to regret it! And remember: you’ll take Ben-Hur’s chariot when you pry it from his cold, dead hands, you damn dirty ape! Give a listen!

Poll question: when you hear that a movie is a multi-Oscar winner, does that influence your desire to see it? Positively or negatively? Leave a comment or call our Oscar-nominated hotline at 617-398-7266

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Episode 385 – The Pink Panther (1963)

All right, mes amis, listen here. I am the famous French (Canadian) detective, Inspector Faux Clousaux and here is mon assistante and turnip-handler, Mike-o. We are here investigating the murder of the latest podcast series “Zis Looks Like Ze Bon Place Pour a Stick-up.” Did I mention I was French (Canadian)? I believe that un of you is behind zis terrible . . . pardon, Mike-o? Really? You think my cravat is too last-season? Bon, bon, merci. Excusez-moi, I have instructed Mike-o to randomly attack my fashion sense, to prevent le sartorial complacency. Well done, Mike-o. Now, when last seen, ze series was discussing the, how you say, movie “Le Pink Panther,” the absurdist comedy about le thief de jewels and a bumbling French inspector. How laughable. As if zere could be le bumbling inspector . . . oh! Pardonez-moi, I almost knocked that priceless Ming vase onto that case of Faberge eggs. That would have been a terrible, if hilarious mishap. Now, to business! I believe this to be the work of the legendary criminale Le Petit Cheval, the, how you say, Pony. Now, if the charming French maid wouldn’t mind moving her hooves from the Persian rug, we can . . . un moment! Hooves?! Stop that maid! She is Le Pony! We have you now, miscreante! We . . . my shoes? What is wrong with my choice of shoes? NOT NOW, MIKE-O! The rest of you, give le listen to le case notes, or as you say in America, le Caste’ de Pod while we pursue the equine evil-doer! Arrete! Halt!

Poll question: What movie really, really needs a remake? Leave a comment or call our all-original hotline at 617-398-7266

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Episode 384 – Topkapi (1964)


Hey there, effendi! Check out these incredible bargains we have here at the Max, Mike; Market! Fabulous antiquities, shah! Look here, very rare: Attila the Hun’s hernia truss! Never before seen outside a museum . . . wait, don’t go, emir! My partner and I can see you are one of great discernment and taste, so feast your star-like eyes on this! Yes, that’s right! Socrates’ first iPhone case! You know, some fools don’t believe this even exists, pasha! And here! Marie Antoinette’s personal nose-hair trimmer! No, no, clearly that’s not right for . . . oh. Wait . . . maybe . . . we’ve been saving this for someone special! Behold! The Topkapi dagger! Last seen in the “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup” collection, lost for decades! This glorious treasure has been handled by the likes of Maximilian Schell and Peter Ustinov themselves! Look at the artistry! Look at those magnificent emeralds . . . wait, don’t touch . . . um, what’s that, agha? Why, everyone knows that the best emeralds are sticky! No, no, they’re definitely not Jolly Ranchers that have been carved to look like . . . wait, come back! Dang it, there goes another one . . . this is your fault, you ninny! I told you the dagger market is depressed! Hah? No, I don’t want to try to sell this . . . what did you call it? “The Orlov Diamond”? Huh, never heard of it. Toss it on the heap with that covenant arch or whatever that guy with the whip called it and let’s try to do some real business.

Poll question: Other than cash, what target of a movie heist would you most like to have for your own? Leave a comment or drop a dime on someone at our Hotline: 617-398-7266

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Episode 383 – The Art of the Steal (2013)

Look, for this episode of “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup,” we’re dealing with the world of art theft and art forgery. Interesting stuff! No, neither of us had heard of this movie before, despite the intriguing cast, which includes Kurt Russell, Jay Baruchel, Matt Dillon and . . . Terrance Stamp? Really? Yes, really! In honor of this movie, Mike and I are attempting to replicate one of the masterworks of the 19th Century artist Cassius Marcellus Coolidge. Getting the color balance right, matching the elegance and superb attention to detail is no easy task but I have faith in Mike’s superlative skills. This work from 1903, a later piece, is famous around the world and will surely fetch us a serious pile of cash. I’m fairly certain there have been no copies or reproduction of the seminal piece. Gaze up on a rare image of the legendary painting and wonder: the next time you see it on loan from some famous museum, will you ever truly know if it’s the original . . . or is it ours. Also, give a listen about the movie!

The Coolidge.

Poll question: Which actor do you think just doesn’t get enough work?

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Episode 382 – Inside Man (2006)

Heyyyyy, good to see all youse folks again! I mean, we just saw you last week, right? ‘cause me and Mike have been here the whole time, right? You saw us . . . RIGHT? Anyone asks, we’ve been around the last few weeks, doing, y’know, charity stuff and helping orphans and that kinda crap. You remember that . . . RIGHT? Good. We thought so. So, we got this movie, right? It’s Spike Lee, which is kinda a surprise, really, ‘cause it’s a heist film and he don’t do that stuff, usual-like. But we’ve been talking about it for the last few weeks, right? RIGHT? Good. You remember us talking about it. Yeah, so we got some very naughty criminal types who are robbing a bank, which is very, very wrong. And there’s some lousy, stinking . . . I mean, public-serving, heroic-type cops, right? And there’s some hostages who probably should just keep their mouths shut and cooperate, if they know what’s good for them . .. uh, poor folks, who we’re very worried about. Uh, then it gets a bit confusing because there’s all this dough and maybe it gets taken and maybe it don’t and that kinda thing makes my head hurt and makes Mike REAL upset. You don’t wanna see Mike get upset. Uh, ‘cause he uses really harsh language, yeah, that’s right. So, give a listen while we talk about movies, like we’ve been doing RIGHT HERE for the last few weeks and no where near any other place, like the diamond exchange in Amsterdam, and anyone who says otherwise is a dirty stoolpigeon . . . sadly mistaken person. Right?


Poll question: what on-screen acting team-up would you like to see that you haven’t seen yet? Leave a comment or call our Hotline at 617-398-7266.

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