Max, Mike; Movies!

By the Spear of Odin/Wotan/Woden/Veratyr and lots of others! Welcome, most valorous warriors to this, the Twilight Of The Series “Give Me One More Chance.” Today you draw your blades with us as we face the trial of the final movie of our lord Thor/Thunor/Donar/Irving (that last one is a rare translation) and if we fall on the field of cinema, we shall all die gloriously! Quaff some mead (which means spill at least as much as you drink; them’s the rules), bite the edge of your shields (they’re coated in chocolate for mid-battle snacking), and follow us to death most magnificent! They will write sagas about your deeds this day! The scribes of social media shall post of your valorous valor! Shed your blood alongside us, as we determine if “Irving: Love and Thunder” (still a better title, in my opinion) straddles the line between the Silly and the Not-Silly or if it plunges all Ninny-Nonny into the abyss. Gird your loins! Well done, that’s some fine girding there, all of you! Now as I mount my eight-legged pony Bumpnir, follow! Follow! To doom and renown! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhaaa . . . aaah? . . . um . . . . hello? Anybody following? Glory? Renown? Doom? . . . huh . . . well . . . guess it’s just us three then . . . Bumpnir, where the hell are you going? Fine. Just you and me, Mike . . . Mike? . . . Mike? . . . . Dang it . . . Fine, no death, no glory, just us talking. Great. Lot of sagas gonna be written about that . . .

Poll question: what’s your favorite mythologically-based movie? Any mythology counts.

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Welcome to the next-to-last episode in our “Give Me One More Chance” series. Before we get into this latest installment of the “Mission: Impossible” series (which should be called “Mission: Impossible: Too Many Colons”), we have some unpleasant business to take care of. I’m afraid our top-secret Max, Mike; Movie headquarters has been infiltrated by an enemy agent. Isn’t that right, Bumpy? Or should I say . . . Ethan Hunt?! *RIP* Oh . . . oh geez . . . he wasn’t wearing a mask . . . oh, gross . . . Wow, that’s a LOT of blood. Sorry, my mistake, Mike . . . or should I say . . . Ethan Hunt?! *RIP* Whoopsy-doodle. You weren’t wearing a mask either. ‘scuse-ems. Wow, is my face red. Well, not redder than yours right now, huh Mike? Hah? Get it? Geez, stop screaming. You don’t need ALL your skin, everyone knows that. Seriously, this could be a good look for you. Man, the floor is a mess right now . . . oh, c’mon Mike, listen to yourself: “I’m in agony, I’m hemorrhaging, I’m grotesque.” Me, me, me. Well, it’s not always about you, ok? I’m the one who has to make one of you two mop all this blood up! How about a little sympathy here? Fine, fine, I’ll get you a band-aid, you big crybaby. While I’m dealing with Mr. Delicate here, give a listen to our thoughts on this latest Tom Cruise work.

Poll question: what is your favorite Tom Cruise role, or is that a contradiction in terms? Run and comment or call our hotline at 617-398-7266 before it self-destructs.

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Ok, ok, hang on, hold that still . . . so, in honor of this week’s entry in our “Give Me One More Chance” series, the found-footage, shaky-cam opus “Cloverfield,” I’m creating my very own handheld video masterpiece “Thistlemeadow,” complete with terrifying monsters and human drama, so let’s get, wha’ . . . DAMN, I dropped the video camera  . . . hang on . . . crap, it’s under the couch. I can’t reach it! Oh no, it’s recording . .  . and the rental runs out in a couple of hours! Ok, ok, I can work with this . . . gimme that broom handle . . . “Oh no! Jerian! Look out! It’s a colossal . . . dust bunny . . . eldritch horror from beyond space and time! Aaahhhhh!” “Grrarrrr! Grrarr!” “Eeeek, so scary!” “Quick, let’s hide behind these ruins that look suspiciously like loose change and a couple of stale Cheerios!” “Aaaaiiiieeee! So scary!” “We have to get to the Safety Zone over by those chipped Lego pieces and that, oh, hey, there’s the stereo remote! I mean, there’s the . . . Escape Space Barge! Oh, if only we can make it . . .” Wait, damn, the recording light went off! Did I forget to charge the battery? Man, this found footage crap is harder than I thought. You win, J.J. Abrams . . .  this time. But how does Mr. Abrams little project hold up on the second viewing? Give a listen to our shrieks of terror and be glad that if we jiggle the camera a lot, you’ll never know!

Poll question: what is scarier in the movies, giant monsters that destroy cities, or small monsters that can hide under the bed or in your chest cavity? Leave us a comment or record your screams of terror on our hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Well, good evein’ to you all, ladies and gents, a very good, Ah say, Ah say, a very good evening to all of you. ‘cept, mebbe it ain’t such a good evenin’ for one individual in particular, hear in our “Give Me One More Chance” series. Yes, one individual ain’t gonna get no more chances, Ah say, Ah say, no more chances. Now I ain’t no big city crime solver, I’m just that simple country-boy detective Mandelbrot Black but ever since Ah was knee-high to a mudskipper, Ah was raised to believe that if y’all done something, y’all step up and admit it. Now one of y’all must have had a powerful dislike for this hear pony to do him in so dirty, so before I have to go peelin’ the layers of this here “Glass Onion” (y’all see what Ah did there?), mebbe one of you fine folks would like to save us the time and fess up: which one of y’all killed Bumpy the Wonder Pony? Pardon, Ah say, pardon me? Police? Call them? Why would I do such a thing? Heckfire, no! Ah jess’ wanna know whose name to inscribe on this here testimonial plaque, thankin’ y’all for your service to the community and humanity in general! Kudos to y’all, whoever ya’ll might be. As for this whole “Glass Onion” business, weeeellll, that ain’t my roe to hoe, now, is it? That’s another fella’s business. Give a listen, Ah say, Ah say, give a listen so y’all can hear about it!

Poll question: what cinematic detective do you think feels most like a real person?

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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of “Give Me One More Chance” at Max and Mike’s House of Magic *poof* *cough, hack* uh, yes, magic smoke! Stupid, semi-toxic magic smoke . . . I mean, Oooo! Such magic! Now I have here the very magical Dagger of Dennak, which I assure you is very real and very sharp, as I will demonstrate by cutting this . . .OW! Ow, oh Vishanti, that was my finger . . . hoo boy, that’s a lot of blood . . . um, but it’s MAGIC blood! No, nothing arterial about it or anything. Nothing to worry about . . . so . . . whooo . . . feeling a bit light-headed . . . right, magic . . . is THIS your card?! Wait, that’s later, no, hang on . . . wow, that puddle of “magic” blood is getting pretty big . . . uh, look, let’s talk about our second reaction to “Dr. Strange and the . . . thing . . . of . . . the thing . . .” ok, things are spinning . . . maybe I’m being pulled into another universe . . . that’d be . . . cool . . . just gonna lie down for a minute . . . give a listen to the loons . . . the loons . . . save the liver . . . .

Poll question: what is your favorite cinematic depiction of magic and spells, where the magic system and the way the spells work just seem . . . cool? Inscribe your answer or call our Poll Question Hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave us an incantation!

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Ok, Indy, ok. Enough. It’s too much, you understand? The candy, the flowers, the cards, the singing gorilla-grams . . . it’s gotta stop. Sure, we’re doing a series called “Give Me One More Chance”, and yes, your last movie didn’t exactly smooth over what you did in the movie before it . . . I’m NOT being unreasonable and I NEVER promised I wouldn’t bring it up again! Stop gaslighting me! Ok, ok, don’t cry, geez . . . Look, maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s me. We’ve done this dance so many times. What is this, the fifth time? We had one or two good times but I just don’t think you’re good for me any more. Don’t give me that look . . . oh geez, here we go with the eyes and the hat and everything . . . sigh . . . ok, I tell you what. Mike and I . . . we’ll give your latest thing, that Deal with Destiny or whatever you called it . . . right, right, “Dial of Destiny,” sorry. See, you always over-react . . . never mind, never mind, we’ll check it out again and see what we think, but if it still doesn’t work, that’s it. I don’t want to hear from you again. And I want my Sankara stone back!

Poll question: is there a movie franchise where you actually like most or all of the films in it? Feel free to share your dulcet tones with us and call our Poll Question Hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave us a voicemail.

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Helloooo, Adventurers! Welcome back to our series “Give Me One More Chance”! Your quest today . . . is to listen to OUR quest today, which is to revisit the most recent attempt to bring the tabletop roleplaying game Dungeons and Dragons (a game that Mike and I MIGHT have some teeny, tiny, very slight connection to and experience with) to the silver screen. Silver? Where? Quickly, loot the bodies for silver! Wait, sorry, this is hearkening back to an earlier series. When this movie came out, I had rather muddled feelings about it (which I go into in deep, cleansing detail, which everyone will no doubt enjoy) so I was curious to see how it held up. And how did it hold up? Now, now, that’s giving away the final segment of the quest that involves a lot of team combat and fabulous treasure! Or maybe it just involves a lot of me and Mike talking. And isn’t that the greatest treasure of all? Anyway, give a listen, and if you don’t feel like it, well, nice day for fishin’, ain’t it? Hyuh!

Poll question: there have been a bunch of movies based on games, both tabletop and video. Are any of them any good? Do you have a favorite? If you don’t feel like typing, feel free to call our Poll Question Hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave us a voicemail.

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Welcome to another new, minty-fresh, sanitized-for-your-convenience series here at “Max, Mike; Movies”! After 300 episodes, we’re in a forgiving mood. Our hearts are filled with love and whipped hydrogenated oil.  We’ve all been hurt in the past, some of us as recently as this morning (sorry Mike! You just looked so flammable!), by friends, by lov-ahs, and, of course, by movies. So, so many movies have hurt us, disappointed us, mistreated us, drained our bank accounts and shaved our eyebrows . . . so many . . . Sorry, what? But like I say, we’re hoping to forgive (and maybe forget), so we’ve decided to, in the words of the Jackson Five, “Give Me One More Chance.” And by “Me,” we mean movies that we didn’t like on early viewing, or viewings, but have decided they deserve a shot at redemption, because they don’t want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard (bone digger, bone digger) (with thanks to Mr. Paul Simon). We’re leading off this series with Mike’s choice of the Tom Cruise science-fiction effort “Minority Report,” a movie that dares to ask the question “What does Tom Cruise look like with his head shaved?” Join us and find out! Now Mike, show us on this doll where the movie hurt you . . .

Poll question: What movie actor have you most changed your mind about? Used to love them, now you hate them? Or vice versa?

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