Episode 373 – Beastmaster (1982)

(sung to the tune of “Beach Baby” by The Beach Boys)

Do you remember back in old Aruk?

When the priest Rip Torn started running amok.

What happened to the king’s unborn son?

A witch stuffed him in a cow and away she run!

Beastmaster, Beastmaster, find you some pants

And go questing with tigers and ferrets.

Also a bird, with no name that I heard, and some bat folks.

Beastmaster, Beastmaster, twirlin’ your sword,

Gonna make out with sweet Tanya Roberts.

You’ve got John Amos and no one else famous to help you.

Yes, we’re rockin’ through the hits in this, our extended series “Cuz I Wanna (And You’re Gonna Like It!)! This week we’ve got a real . . . classic? With 1982’s “Beastmaster,” which brings us a largely unclothed and finely burnished Marc Singer, an underused Rip Torn, and some very badly dyed animals, some of which get names while others toil in obscurity. Join us for this legendary cheese-fest which spawned sequels and a tv series, which we’re SURE you all remember. Keep a close watch on your ferrets and give a listen!

Poll question: what is your favorite fantasy movie and why? Leave a comment or use our mystical hotline and leave a voicemail at 617-398-7266.

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Episode 372 – Rock and Roll High School (1979)

Welcome all you punks and punkettes, to this week’s entry in “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It)”! This week, we are both rocking and/or rolling! Yes! We will rock out with our socks out! Anarchy within reasonable limits! Oo! We’re discussing perhaps the greatest movie ever to star both The Ramones and Clint Howard! Woo! Down with the establishment! We’re somewhat miffed at multiple authority figures! Hey, Mike! Watch me punk out! I’m going to set this glass on the table . . . WITHOUT a coaster! I’m out of control! You can’t stop me; don’t even try! Gamble Grimble Hey! Woo again! See, I’m making sure that this picture is hanging CROOKED! Oh god, I’ve become more animal than man! C’mon, let’s slam-dance! Yes . . . OW! Ow, ow, ow, my shoulder, ow, ow my hip! Ow ow OH NO! I’ve overturned the potpourri dish! Oh lord, all societal norms are collapsing! I’m feeling the urge to use harsh language to politely criticize the architects our current political structure! It’s too late for me! Run! Listen to our episode and save yourselves! Punk rock for a reasonable length of time!

Poll question: what band or musician who hasn’t made a movie would you like to see in a non-concert movie?

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Episode 371 – Wake Up, Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery (2025)

Howdy, I say, howdy, y’all! What’s all this here nonsense with all y’all goin’ gaga for this chicken-come-lately Benoit Blanc? Why, he’s, I say, he’s just poachin’ my act! Everyone knows that Foghorn Leghorn is the original Southern-Friend flat-claw. Blanc? Why, that boy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball! He’s so dumb, he thinks a pigpen is somethin’ to write with! Why, I say, why are these here fellas, Max and Mike, goin’ on about this fella in their “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It”) series? I say, they’re as mixed up as a feather in a whirlwind! I ask you! These boys got more nerve than a bum tooth! Where, I say, where’s my movie?! I could solve anything that over-dressed, I say over-dressed hayseed could! So, you all give a listen, I say, give a listen and let these two dumb clucks know how you feel about this rampant injustice against my avian person. Nice boys but about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

Poll question: who is your favorite made-for-film detective? Leave a comment or call our hot tip hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave a voicemail!

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Episode 370 – The Scarlet Pimpernel (1934)

Hah hah! Stand back, musketeers! They shall sample MY blade! En garde! Touché! Café au lait! Yes, we have a swashbuckling classic this week in our “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It)” series, “The Scarlet Pimpernel”! And what a swashbuckler this is! Sword fights! Daring midnight chases! Desperate fist-fights . . . pardon? Oh. There’s NONE of that here? No musketeers? No “my blade”? Just disguises, cunning plans and . . . fashion tips? Really? . . . . huh. Well . . . this IS a famous swashbuckler movie, right? With Leslie Howard and Merle Oberon? Well . . . sink me! What sort of action movie is this? Hah? One of the antecedents for Batman? Seriously? Well, let’s talk about it then! Tie your cravats properly and give a listen!

Poll question: who is your favorite swashbuckler? Leave a comment or swing on a chandelier over to our hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Episode 369 – The Andromeda Strain (1971)

Duuuude! Welcome to, like, our series . . . ummmm, wait, I know this . . . “Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It!)” here at Max . . . Mike . . . something something . . . Sorry, dudes, I’m totally wacked out on this new Andromeda Strain kush. It’s like totally out of this world or something, right? I mean, it feels like my blood is turning to powder right inside me! So far out! Ok, yeah, it’s dissolving my vinyl couch but whatever, man, a couch is just a THING, right? I do NOT get why all these narcs in jumpsuits are freaking out about it, dude. I mean, they’re totally trying to bogart my stash and give it monkeys or something. Wait, did I already say that? Whatever, dudes, just get lifted on our totally mellow podcast today. So enjoy some Strain, or maybe some Squeeze and check us out. Peace!

Poll question: What is the most accurate-feeling s-f movie you’ve seen? Leave a comment or call our futuristic hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Episode 368 – Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

You got trouble, my friends,
Right here in Little China!
With a capital “T” and that rhymes with “P” and that stands for Pan (crowd: “Lo Pan!”)
Yeah, you got trouble (big trouble!),
Right here in Little China!
Gotta find a girl with jade-green eyes, that is his plan.
(spoken) Mothers of Little China . . . heed this warning! Look for these signs: are your boys wearing red bandannas? Are certain words sneaking into their vocabulary? Words like “the first sovereign emperor” and “Ching Dai, god of the East”? Are they hanging around with the Three Storms and stealing trucks from Jack Burton?
Well if so, my friends . . .

Yup, we’ve got “Big Trouble in Little China this week in our “Cuz I Wanna (And You’re Gonna Like It)” series, a John Carpenter film that didn’t do so hot at the box office but found new life on home video. Does it squander that new life? How well does this forty-year-old movie about martial arts, Chinese mysticism, and Kurt Russell channeling John Wayne hold up? Give a listen . . . or this will really piss us off to no end!

Poll question: what’s your favorite movie that was ignored at the box office but found new life in some other form (home video, midnight shows)?

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Episode 367 – A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Steven Spielberg made a film
A.I., A.I., O!
And in this film he had some bots
A.I., A.I., O!
With bot-bot here and a bot-bot there,
Here a bot, there a bot, everywhere a bot-bot
Steven Spielberg made a film
A.I., A.I., O!

Steven Spielberg made a film
A.I., A.I., O!
And in this film he had Haley Joel Osment starring as a kid-bot
A.I., A.I., O!
With an act-act here, and an act-act there,
Here an act, there an act, everywhere an act-act
This is getting really dull,
A.I., A.I., O!

Well . . . that didn’t go as planned but we are in fact discussing Spielberg’s film “A.I.”, a film conceived of by Stanley Kubrick dealing with the nature of natural versus artificial intelligence and asking the questions “Can a robot love?” The film also asks if a human could love a robot, so you can tell this film predated 4Chan and some of the more questionable corners of the internet where that question has been emphatically answered in the affirmative. Please don’t confirm this for yourself. I beg you. Anyway, give a listen while Max-o-tron and Mike-bot discuss. A.I., A.I. . . . oh.

Poll question: what movie predicted future events/people/technology best? Leave a comment or call our super futuristic hotline at  617-398-7266

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Episode 366 – Dogma (1999)

Snoogins! Me and Lunchbox got us a brand new series: “’Cuz I Wanna (and You’re Gonna Like It),” where we drop insights on movies that we’re watching just ‘cuz we wanna watch them, and we wanna talk about them and we haven’t watched or talked about them yet. Dang straight! And we’re kicking it off with Max’s favorite Kevin Smith flick, 1999’s “Dogma.” This is a simple, light-hearted film that deals with uncomplicated, uncontroversial topics like the nature of God, free will, whether Jesus was White, whether Jesus had siblings, and does God really take the form of a lovely Canadian Alt-Rocker? You know, stuff no one could ever possibly find upsetting or difficult to discuss rationally. Join us and see if we can manage it. Snootch to the mother-f’in nootch!

Poll question: what is your favorite cinematic depiction of celestial beings (angels, devils, god itself)? Leave a comment or call our Celestial hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Episode 365 – Planet of the Vampires (1965)

We come to the close of our spoooooky series “I Vant to Vatch Your Feelm!” with a real whiz-bang of a film: vampires . . . in . . . SPAAAAAACE! Join Captain Frank N. Stein on the star-ship “Nosferatu” as he and his valiant crew, Lt. Renn Fields, Commander Mina O’Harker, and Medical Officer Dr. Acula (“I get it; I don’t like it”) battle the evil Van-Helsoids in a conflict that rages throughout time and space, boldly going to weird, fresh worlds, meeting exotic alien creatures, and draining their blood! Ok, no, this has nothing to do with the actual movie we’re watching, which is a vintage 60’s Italian science-fiction offering, but c’mon, Hollywood! I’m HANDING you your next hit franchise! Have you people call my people! Well, have them call my pony, anyway. In the meantime, set your vamp-o-beams to “exsanguinate” and give a listen!

Poll question: What is your favorite movie plot twist? Leave us a comment or twist our plot on our hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Episode 364 – Renfield (2023)

Welcome to “Cooking with Max, Mike; Movies,” and another in our culinary series “I Vant to Vatch Your Feelm!” You know, when preparing your favorite invertebrate dish, many people overlook the humble termite. Now, most of your haute cuisine recipes tend to focus on the more exotic insects, like the sago grub or the bamboo worm but we at this podcast think that the termite is a taste treat whose time has come. High in oil, they’re great for frying, with a delicately nutty taste. This batch we have here have been fed exclusively on Indian Snakewood, which gives them a marvelously complex flavor palate, and have spent their days bathing in a mild soy sauce/rice wine mixture. Today we’ll be frying them up in sesame oil for a tasty treat that can’t be beat! Ohohohoho, pardon my little quip. This dish should pair well with today’s movie, “Renfield”, whose protagonist prefers his arthropods and arachnids tartare, which is a perfectly acceptable way to enjoy them, other than the fact that they may tend to crawl off the plate, but to each their own! Yes, Mr. Renfield, played by Nicholas Holt, enjoys his six-legged friends as snacks, while his “master” Dracula, played by Nicholas Cage, prefers to spend his days munching on scenery. Enjoy, and bon appetit!

Poll question: what part, if any, of standard vampire lore strikes you as particularly silly/odd/dumb. Exemption: Stephanie Meyers’ sparkle ponies.

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