Max, Mike; Movies!

All good things must come to an end . . . and on an unrelated note, so must our series “Ready When You Are, C.B.,” movies about making movies. We’re closing out with a somewhat less-than-well-known mocumentary about a fictional film team attempting to make a movie covering the entire Bible. As you might guess, things do not go well. I don’t want to give too much away, but their obvious mistake was not making the whole thing a musical! Come on, what could lend itself more to light-hearted music and dance than the Bible? Enjoy the haunting Adam-and-Eve duet “This Apple Tastes Like Crapple,” or a clever patter song for Moses: “Countin’ Down Ten Commandments.” It writes itself, doesn’t it? How about a catchy number for Job: “What A Day I’m Having” or a tender ballad “Don’t Go Throwing Stones at Hookers.” And you could wrap it all up with a huge, psychedelic song-and-dance number for Revelations: “Don’t Go Breaking That Seal.” I’m telling you, this is a golden calf mine, and as soon as I can get the funding together . . . well, give a listen and here the rest of my plan [spoiler: there is no rest of my plan].

Poll question: whose opinion most affects your choice of movie viewing? Your friends or professional movie critics?

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Welcome, welcome to another entry in our series “Ready When You Are, C.B.”, where we address . . . what the hell? Who are all these people? Where did these cameras come from? What the Hec Ramsey is going . . . hah? What release? I never agreed to allow a film crew to use the Max, Mike; Movies studios for a film location! Hey! Put that down! That’s one-of-a-kind! Do you know how hard it is to find a life-sized Kaboom Cereal Clown Mascot Statue?! MIKE! Where are you? Did you authorize . . . AAAAAHH! Great Demille’s Ghost, what have they done to you? How did they get your hair that color? Weren’t you six inches taller yesterday? Oh, so now you fit the film’s “vision”, do you? This is absurd, who would ever, HEY! Get away from me with those pliers? YES, I “need all my teeth”; I don’t care if a “lurching, gap-toothed, bald albino” fits the movie’s “aesthetic.” Anyway, I’m not bald! Or albino! . . . What the hell do you mean “not yet”? You Hollywood people think you can just come in and rearrange whatever you want just so you can make your damn popcorn-pushing celluloid nonsense! Ok, yes, that happens to fit this week’s movie, “State and Main” but still, I never signed any release! Neither did Mike! So who said you could . . . . BUMPY!!!!!! That’s IT! I’m calling the Purina Dog Food Processing Plant manager and telling them to expect an anonymous donation! Hey, bud, can I borrow that chainsaw real quick? Thanks . . .

Poll question: has a movie ever taught you any real-life lessons?

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Ah, the Matinee; this may seem a strange subject for our series “Ready When You are, C.B.” but really, I think a film about these glorious sea mammals is long overdue. Gentle, plant-eating, and able to swim in bursts up to 20mph, these so-called sea cows may have in fact evolved from a four-legged land animal over 20 million years ago . . . hmmm. Some of the casting in this movie seems a bit strange for such a subject; I mean, John Goodman is a stout gentleman but he certainly doesn’t come close to the Matinee’s half-ton weight or aquatic skills . . . oh dear . . . wait, is it possible I’m confusing Matinee with Manatee? Yes, yes, I’m afraid I am. Whoopsie doodle. The fact that this movie involves Key West may have misled me, although I guess I should have questioned what the Manatee has to do with legendary schlock film-maker William Castle or the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962, both of which feature prominently in this movie. My bad. Well, enjoy our discussion of “Matinee” and Hollywood, I’ve handed you a golden opportunity to make a big-budget film about a long-ignored sea creature. You’re welcome.

Poll question: what is your favorite hate-watch movie? That movie you know is bad and bad for you but you can’t help watching it? Leave a comment or hate-call us at 617-398-7266

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Ok . . . ok . . . come on, Max . . . you’ve done over three hundred of these . . . it’s not that hard . . . just write. Just write SOMETHING. Oh god, why does a blank white screen look so horrible? Why is my keyboard laughing at me? Come on . . . it’s just another entry in the “Ready When You Are, C.B.”, just another movie about making movies. What the hell is wrong with you? God, writer’s block is awful . . . Come on, you useless lump; you’ll be out sleeping with the ponies at this rate! What, do I need John Goodman to show up to share a bottle with me? Mmm . . . maybe a drink would help . . . no! No, dammit, no more distractions! You can DO this! Just think of some Coen Brothers absurdities, think of disturbing overhead camera shots and creepy hotel hallways . . . SOMETHING! . . . . Nothing. I’ve got nothing. I’ll just have to tell Mike that I can’t come up with anything this week. He’ll understand. Maybe he’ll only use the small cattle prod this time. Maybe. I wish I’d been able to write something . . .

Wait a minute . . .

Poll question: what’s your favorite comfort movie? What movie just makes you feel all snuggly and warm?

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Ah, Hollywood! The land of glitter and sparkle! The land where dreams are born, struggle, and eventually end up in a miserable job in middle-management . . . I mean dreams come true! Obviously that’s what I meant, and you all know it! Hollywood is the most terribly important industry in all of The United Hollywoods of America; just ask Hollywood! What matters more than making a motion picture? Nothing, that’s what! Forget “growing food” or “treating medical issues” or “keeping people alive in general,” all of that is MEANINGLESS, you hear me? MEANINGLESS compared to the incomparable splendor that is Hollywood and making nine sequels to forgettable action movies. And don’t you forget it! In this week’s entry in our series “Ready When You Are, C.B.” we get one of Hollywood’s attempts to shine a rather watery light on its own practices and what some people will go through to get their picture made. “The Bad and the Beautiful” follows an actor, a writer, and a director, bound together for their hatred of a high-powered movie producer. A hated producer? Man, the stuff people come up with . . . join us, give a listen, and see how well or how poorly this utterly LUDICRIOUS story idea comes together. Roll it!

Poll question: what onscreen couple had the worst chemistry?

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Order, order! The Committee for “Ready When You Are, C.B.” will come to order! The witness has been sworn in and we are ready to proceed. The witness is reminded that failure to answer any of the committee’s questions will result in the witness being held in contempt . . . even more than they already are. Now then: are you now or have you ever been a member of the Bumpyist Party? Let the record show that the witness has answered “Neigh.” Very well. Before you return to your stall with the thanks of the committee and a bag of oats, can you give us the names of any Bumpyists living, working, or podcasting in the United States today? Oh, I see you’ve prepared a list. Hand-calligraphed, too. Very nice. Only two names, though. Do you believe that this “Max” and “Mike” are both genuine threats, menaces, or major annoyances to the listening public of the United States of America? Tap the floor with your hoof once for yes . . . thank you.  You can stop tapping now. We’ll be issue them subpoenas . . . the gallery will stop giggling immediately! The committee is well aware what the word “subpoenas” sounds like!

This week we’re discussing a film that tackles a dark period in Hollywood, and the entire U.S. of A.: the Red Scare and more specifically, the infamous Hollywood Blacklist as seen through the lens of the life of Dalton Trumbo. Trumbo, once one of the most successful screenwriters in Hollywood, was one of the Hollywood Ten, ten screenwriters who were accused of being Communists by the UnAmerican House of . . . excuse me, the House UnAmerican Activities Committee, or J.E.R.K.W.E.E.D., I mean, HUAC and saw his life nearly destroyed, like so many others, as a result of this pandering, fear-mongering, and ultimately utterly useless witch hunt that run for thirty years. How well does this film portray this national embarrassment of a time period? Give a listen and find out! Thank goodness we don’t have any jingoistic psychopaths talking about “The Enemies Within” anymore . . . .

Poll question: what famous figure do you most think deserves a biopic but hasn’t had one yet? Leave a comment or call our Anonymous Informant line at 617-398-7266

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Welcome to another episode in our continuing stooooooory “Ready When You Are, C.B.!” movies by Hollywood, about Hollywood, smothered in Hollywood gravy! This week’s entry is a film from the late 80’s, forgotten by some but surprisingly influential to others: Robert Townsend’s “Hollywood Shuffle”. Is it a coincidence that a movie with this title came out a mere two years after the legendary musical opus produced by the Chicago Bears (aka “Dah Bearss”) with a very similar title, the “Superbowl Shuffle”? Or is it evidence of the conspiracy between Big Football and Big Hollywood, both of whom want a Big Cereal? Well . . . no, of course not, just look at the movie and you’ll see that makes no sense at all, as do most things I write here oh god why can’t I stop. But while on the surface this movie may address the inherent and MASSIVE difficulties faced by Black actors in Hollywood, the real message is far more subtle: credit cards can make your dreams come true. Yup. Give a listen and see if I’ve actually managed to tie something from this introduction into the actual show or if the show is just an excuse for Mike and Me to perform our rendition of “The Bumpypux Shuffle” (just kidding; the Bumpypux Shuffle is something you do immediately after eating Bumpypux as you struggle to reach the bathroom in time). Enjoy! The podcast, not the cereal.

Poll question: What movie, if any, have you ever watched and felt “this movie was NOT aimed at me.”

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Heeeyyyyyy, listeners! Sweeties, honeys, babies, pussycats, pumpkins! Fabulous to see you, totally mean that, been too long, what’s your latest project, that’s great, how’d the rehab stint go, glad to hear it, have they dropped the charges yet, absolutely terrif to hear that, gotta run, have your service call my service we’ll do breakfast lunch dinner, love ya! God, I hate that individual . . . As you have no doubt sussed out, we’ve started our new series “Ready When You Are, C.B.!” focusing on one of Hollywood’s favorite subjects: itself! Yes, we’ll be going through a number of cinematic offerings that focus on Hollywood itself, Tinseltown, Magicville, Sorcery Hamlet, whatever, both in the old days and the new-ish. We’re making our initial pitch for the upfronts with some sweet hooks that’ll look good on the one-sheets . . . and no, I have no idea what I just said but it’s kind of like “La Strada” meets “Science Crazed”! Or rather, it’s exactly like Robert Altman’s righteous middle-finger to the film production process, “The Player.” Just keep in mind that this is back in the 90’s, when screenwriters weren’t particularly respected. Not like today, when the studio execs respect them enough to replace them with A.I. . ..

By the way, if you’re interested in what Mike was actually saying in his elegantly-crafted opening, check here!

Poll question: what movie has your favorite ensemble cast? Leave a comment or call our Hollywood Hotline™ at 617-398-7266 and make your pitch!

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