Max, Mike; Movies!

Hey there, effendi! Check out these incredible bargains we have here at the Max, Mike; Market! Fabulous antiquities, shah! Look here, very rare: Attila the Hun’s hernia truss! Never before seen outside a museum . . . wait, don’t go, emir! My partner and I can see you are one of great discernment and taste, so feast your star-like eyes on this! Yes, that’s right! Socrates’ first iPhone case! You know, some fools don’t believe this even exists, pasha! And here! Marie Antoinette’s personal nose-hair trimmer! No, no, clearly that’s not right for . . . oh. Wait . . . maybe . . . we’ve been saving this for someone special! Behold! The Topkapi dagger! Last seen in the “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup” collection, lost for decades! This glorious treasure has been handled by the likes of Maximilian Schell and Peter Ustinov themselves! Look at the artistry! Look at those magnificent emeralds . . . wait, don’t touch . . . um, what’s that, agha? Why, everyone knows that the best emeralds are sticky! No, no, they’re definitely not Jolly Ranchers that have been carved to look like . . . wait, come back! Dang it, there goes another one . . . this is your fault, you ninny! I told you the dagger market is depressed! Hah? No, I don’t want to try to sell this . . . what did you call it? “The Orlov Diamond”? Huh, never heard of it. Toss it on the heap with that covenant arch or whatever that guy with the whip called it and let’s try to do some real business.

Poll question: Other than cash, what target of a movie heist would you most like to have for your own? Leave a comment or drop a dime on someone at our Hotline: 617-398-7266

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Look, for this episode of “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup,” we’re dealing with the world of art theft and art forgery. Interesting stuff! No, neither of us had heard of this movie before, despite the intriguing cast, which includes Kurt Russell, Jay Baruchel, Matt Dillon and . . . Terrance Stamp? Really? Yes, really! In honor of this movie, Mike and I are attempting to replicate one of the masterworks of the 19^th Century artist Cassius Marcellus Coolidge. Getting the color balance right, matching the elegance and superb attention to detail is no easy task but I have faith in Mike’s superlative skills. This work from 1903, a later piece, is famous around the world and will surely fetch us a serious pile of cash. I’m fairly certain there have been no copies or reproduction of the seminal piece. Gaze up on a rare image of the legendary painting and wonder: the next time you see it on loan from some famous museum, will you ever truly know if it’s the original . . . or is it ours. Also, give a listen about the movie!

The Coolidge.

Poll question: Which actor do you think just doesn’t get enough work?

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Heyyyyy, good to see all youse folks again! I mean, we just saw you last week, right? ‘cause me and Mike have been here the whole time, right? You saw us . . . RIGHT? Anyone asks, we’ve been around the last few weeks, doing, y’know, charity stuff and helping orphans and that kinda crap. You remember that . . . RIGHT? Good. We thought so. So, we got this movie, right? It’s Spike Lee, which is kinda a surprise, really, ‘cause it’s a heist film and he don’t do that stuff, usual-like. But we’ve been talking about it for the last few weeks, right? RIGHT? Good. You remember us talking about it. Yeah, so we got some very naughty criminal types who are robbing a bank, which is very, very wrong. And there’s some lousy, stinking . . . I mean, public-serving, heroic-type cops, right? And there’s some hostages who probably should just keep their mouths shut and cooperate, if they know what’s good for them . .. uh, poor folks, who we’re very worried about. Uh, then it gets a bit confusing because there’s all this dough and maybe it gets taken and maybe it don’t and that kinda thing makes my head hurt and makes Mike REAL upset. You don’t wanna see Mike get upset. Uh, ‘cause he uses really harsh language, yeah, that’s right. So, give a listen while we talk about movies, like we’ve been doing RIGHT HERE for the last few weeks and no where near any other place, like the diamond exchange in Amsterdam, and anyone who says otherwise is a dirty stoolpigeon . . . sadly mistaken person. Right?

Poll question: what on-screen acting team-up would you like to see that you haven’t seen yet? Leave a comment or call our Hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Ok, my l33t haxx0rz! We’ve got a major kludge to pen test here so let’s get to it. We’re going to hack this week’s episode of “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup,” 1992’s “Sneakers.” Coming off the “hacker mania” of the early 90’s (the Internet Worm, Operation: Sun-devil, and the horror that was “Mario Hotel”), this movie posits the frightfully tech-savvy question: “what if there was a magic box that could do magic things to every computer anywhere, all the time, in seconds?” So l33t! Very tech! Weird question? Well, what if some of the people who are trying to answer it are Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier, River Phoenix, and Mary McDonnell? No, seriously, those are just some of the big names in this cast. Surely the ever-so-computer-savvy minds of 1992 Hollywood would come up with something at least as believable as, oh, I don’t know, “Hackers,” right? They’ve got big, big names, so that’s got to be good, right? Well, give a listen and find out. End of line.

Poll question: what is your choice for most ludicrous, ridiculous movie plot? Leave a comment or leave a ludicrous, ridiculous message on our Hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Ok, ok . . . easy . . . slow and steady does it. Now the electronics of this lock are TEMPEST-resistant, so we’re going to have to handle this old school. The molybdenum magnets should help with that; the glass packs and the relockers rule out any brute force methods so this is going to have to be surgical. No, don’t be an idiot; using soup is out of the question, and so is bumping the rig. Set up the diamond-tip drill but keep the tungsten carbide bit handy. Once we get past the outers, the thermic lance should get us through the inner reinforced barrier. Good, good. Hey, relax! You wanted the best Peter man available and you got him! Let’s be calm. Let’s be professional. Panic is the enemy. Just remember the payoff; there’s thirty million inside this . . . yes! We got it! Get the satchels ready, we’re . . . wait a sec . . . what’s that smell? Those don’t look like stacks of money . . . they look like . . . oh no . . . it’s not thirty million dollars! It’s thirty million kabookies! What do you mean, “how much is that in U.S. dollars?” Nothing! Kabookies are pancakes! DAMMIT! Well, let’s hope the cast of this week’s “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup” have better luck with their score. They’ve certainly got a heck of a team assembled: Robert Deniro, Edward Norton, and Marlon Freakin’ Brando! Plus, they’ve got Angela Bassett. How can they go wrong? Give a listen and find out!

Poll question: what real-world crime has never gotten a movie but deserves one? Leave a comment or call our Crime Reporting Hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave a message!

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Welcome to our series “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup”! Now, we’ve never met before, have we? Of course not, ha ha! I have in my hand an ordinary deck of playing cards, an electric chainsaw, and a plucked, uncooked goose. I want you to choose a card, any card . . . good, good, don’t show it to me, just memorize it. Now put it here into the goose’s anal cavity. No, no it’s fine, no need for that look. Terrific! How about a hand for our volunteer folks?! Aren’t they great? Now, over here we have a perfectly live ordinary pony. You’re going to use that chainsaw to saw this pony in half while I hang from my nostrils over . . . excuse me? The card and the goose? Oh, no that has nothing to do with this trick; that was just . . . for me. Now . . . where are you going? You’re worried about the trick? Don’t worry! I’m perfectly safe! The pony . . . .? I’m perfectly safe! Wait, come back . . . dang it, I still don’t see how any of this is supposed to help me rob a bank but today’s movie “Now You See Me” should give you a better idea, despite its complete lack of pony mutilation. How do they do it? It’s magic! F you!

Poll question: who is your favorite cinematic rogue? Not necessary a criminal, but a scoundrel, a scruffy-looking nerf-herder, if you will? Leave a comment or call our hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave a roguish voicemail!

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Listen up, my shrewd and cunning listeners! We’ve called you here today because we’re planning a big job and we need your particular set of skills. That’s right, we’ve got a major score lined up: a brand new series called “This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stickup”, a series about heist movies and nothing but heist movies! Movies with cunning plans and brilliant operators where nothing can go wrong . . . can it? Our first target is a movie starring Sir Alec Guinness (if you search your memories, you may remember that he was in a couple of little, forgotten science fiction movies in the 70’s and 80’s. Pretty obscure; you probably haven’t heard of them) as Henry “Dutch” Holland, a man with a plan to steal a million pounds worth of gold from a British bank. Now, we need some very specialized operatives for this. Who among you is a qualified pastry chef? Great, you’re in. Now, we need an expert in low-impact glass blowing. Perfect, you’re in! We also need someone who knows everything there is to know about 16^th Century Latvian folktales. Beautiful, you’re in! And of course, and this is essential, we need someone who knows how to easily dispose of the body of an unwanted pony. Good, good . . . this is going to go off without a hitch. Lend an ear and see if it does!

Poll question: who is your favorite cinematic criminal? Leave a comment or skulk over to our hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave a fiendish voicemail.

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