Max, Mike; Movies!

Hear, O ye flippin’ gods, hear how the great epic of “Tops and Bottoms” now comes to a glorious end! Yea, Maxshepsut, god of all Post-it notes, and his Priest-King Mikehotep, the Constantly Flatulent, have tackled a most ponderous epic of legendary legendness, massive of budget and stupendous of run-time: “Cleopatra,” greatest hauler of wealth of the year 19 and 63! For many hours did we ponder this ponderous pontiff of . . . pontoons. Silence! Mock not the ancient writings of two days ago! Join in our epic journey! Thrill to our opinions of Richard of Burton, drinker of heroic proportions! Witness bears . . . I mean, bear witness to our learned discourse on the performance of Elizabeth of Taylor and her god-like ability to wear countless costumes! Stare open-mouthed at our masterful considerations of Rex of Harrison and his refusal to break out into even the smallest of songs throughout this work! Mountains of gold did this movie claim for its studio masters . . . but was it worth it, in the end? What dread price had to be paid for this endeavor? Friends, Podcast Audience, Laundry men . . . lend us your ears! We promise to return them with only minor damage!

Poll question: what is your favorite epic movie and why? Leave a comment or leave an epic voicemail on our hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Oh those darn Martians! If it’s not one thing with them, it’s another! Either they want to Attack! or they want to steal our Santa Claus or they need women or they want to invade Puerto Rico . . . it’s always something! Geez, guys, get it together. You’d think they’d be happy with all those Rovers we keep sending them, but no! In this week’s penultimate installation of “Tops and Bottoms,” we’re addressing a decades-old issue when Mars decided to invade Earth, apparently. Or at least they decided to invade a really impressive estate in California. That’s practically the same thing. Join us and find out if this is an overlooked classic, a so-bad-it’s-good number, or . . . something else. Give a listen; don’t make us rouse Chochum out of his cave!

Poll question: For science fiction films, do you like the large-scale space battles or massive invasion sequences, or the smaller stories, involving only a few people dealing with the aliens/anomalies/whatever? Leave a comment or call our interstellar hotline at 617-398-7266

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Hey kids! It’s time for everyone’s favorite club here in our “Tops and Bottoms” series, “Billionaire Boy’s Club”! Yaaaay! C’mon, everyone, let’s all sing along with the Club song!

Who’s the members of the club that we will never see?
B-I-L, L-I-O, N-A-I-R-E!
Who will screw their fam’ly, friends, and then screw you and me?
B-I-L, L-I-O, N-A-I-R-E!
Billionaires! (Money rules!) Billionaires! (Gosh they’re tools!)
They’ll sell their souls to keep their profits high! High! High! High!
Come along and sing the song, push morals out to sea,
B-I-L, L-I-O, N-A-I-R-E!

Wasn’t that FUN? Give a listen as we discuss the lowest-grossing film of 2018 and see if you can pick up subtle clues as to whether we think it deserved its fate. Yaaaay!

Poll question: What is the last GREAT movie you saw in the theater and why is it great? Leave a comment or call the last great hot line at 617-398-7266 and leave a great message!

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Hey there, No-Prize Winners and Merry Marvel Marchers! This week’s entry in “Tops and Bottoms” [pause for Mike to stop giggling for some reason] is the biggest earner of 2018 and it’s the penultimate Avengers movie of Marvel’s Phase 3, Ephesians 7, Jackson 5, or whatever it was and it made a barge-load of ducats when it came out, and why wouldn’t it? I mean, you’ve got Doc Bruce Banner it, and while as the Hulk he may be un-glamor-rays, still he’s apparently loveable! You’ve got Captain America throwing his mighty shield! And what happens to those who chose to oppose his shield? Why, they must surely yield! And here’s Tony Stark who may make you feel he’s a cool exec with a heart of steel, as Iron Man, with jets ablaze, he fights and smites with repulsor rays! He does! I have it on the best authority! Plus, you’ll behold in breathless wonder the God of Thunder, Mighty Thor (that’s a deeper). There’s even some guy in this movie who does whatever a spider can! And so many other superheroes who were never lucky enough to get their own 60’s theme songs, poor devils. Black Panther needs a theme song, dammit! So how does this box office juggernaut (wait, he’s in another franchise, right? Maybe two?) hold up after the better part of a decade? Give a listen to Mulching Max Levine and Macerating Mike Luce to find out! Expeliarmus! I mean, Excelsior!

Poll question: what’s your favorite superhero movie? Leave a super comment or leave a voicemail as your secret identity on our hot line at 617-398-7266

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A long, long time ago . . . ok, so it was eleven years . . . in a galaxy, far, far away . . . except it’s actually the one we’re in now, and it wasn’t even that far away on this planet so this is clearly going nowhere WHY did I take this job?! ANYWAY . . . so, here and now in our series “Tops and Bottoms” we’re tackling the first film in the third trilogy . . . yeah, that’s about right, of the “Star Wars” behemoth, “The Force Awakens”, a film that was in no way divisive and everyone had well-thought-out and calm reactions to and that they addressed in polite and civil discourse with one another and nobody was mean or vicious or racist or sexist and then they all went to the sea shore (that’s a deeper). This was, big surprise, the biggest earner of Republic credits or quatloos or something in 2015, so that means we’re gonna discuss it. Don’t worry, we’re going to be models of decorum and talk about this film in a measured and reasonable fashion, provided that Mike agrees with everything I say and doesn’t try to be an EVIL AND BAD DUMB MR. WRONGY MCWRONGHEAD FROM WRONGSVILLE AND FAIL TO TREAT MY OPINIONS AS GOSPEL WRITTEN UPON GOLDEN TABLETS AND STUFF! So, sure, this’ll be fun . . . . give a listen and find out how much fun!

Poll question: Who is your favorite Star Wars character and why?

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This time we’re starting with the Bottom of 2015 in our “Tops and Bottoms” series (dammit, why does Mike keep giggling at that title?) and the biggest money loser of 2015 was “Jem and the Holograms,” a live action movie based on an 80’s cartoon about a girl-group popstar band. Now, regardless of what we have to say about this movie, I have to point out that this film was clearly doomed from the start. What was John Chu thinking when he signed on to direct? If you’re going to adapt a cartoon about a musical group, how could you choose anything other than that under-appreciated classic “Jabberjaw”?! I mean, really, how can you top a talking shark who does an impression of Curly Howard while using Rodney Dangerfield’s classic catchphrase “I don’t get no respect!” Comedy gold! I’m thinking Ryan Reynolds for Biff, Margot Robie for Bubbles, Megan Fox as Shelley, Jared Leto as Clamhead, and Sir Ian McKellen as the voice of a CGI Jabberjaw. My god, it writes itself! Hanna-Barbera, you’re sitting on an untapped gold mine! You could make the underwater world of the show a kind of dystopian, post-apocalyptic setting! Think “Waterworld” meets “Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space”! Have your people call my people! In the meantime, give a listen as we discuss what these poor saps actually chose for source material. So misguided . . .

Poll question: can you think of a cartoon show from your past that would make a good live-action movie? Leave a comment or call our live-action hotline at 617-398-7266

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Well, in this episode of “Tops and Bottoms,” we move from the Top grossing film of 1959 to . . . well, the bottom grossing film. Hoo boy, this is gonna be painful. What’s it going to be? Some late-career Ed Wood movie? Ooo, are we going to get another entry from the Cor-man? There are so many of his we still haven’t endured, I mean, seen! Heh, I bet it’s some teen movie or cheap science fiction dreck. Let’s check the Max-O-Tron 9000000 . . . oh . . . huh. “Sleeping Beauty.” Ok, sure this must be some sort of knockoff from some cheesy Latvian or Upper Voltan animation studio, right? Sort of thing they used to sell on the streets of Times Square? Ok, so who produced this . . . wait . . . Walt Disney? Not Wahllte Dizney? Or Wal Tdisney? It was, you know, Disney Disney? Uh . . . wow . . . so, “Snow White,” “Cinderella” . . . that Disney. How . . . what . . . when . . . plankton . . . uh, give a listen, ok? We gotta work on this for a while.

Poll question: Who is your favorite animated hero? Leave a comment or call our 3D animated hotline at 617-398-7266

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Friends, Romans, Countryfolk . . . lend me a dollar, won’t you? No? Well, fine, we’re doing a new series anyway! So quo that in your vadis! This time we’re choosing a random year every two episodes and discussing the most successful movie of that year and the biggest bomb of that year. At Mike’s direction, we’re calling it “Tops and Bottoms.” Personally, I don’t see what bathing suit components have to do with cinema, but Mike was very insistent about this title . . . although he kept giggling every time he said it, so I’m not sure how serious he was. Tops and Bottoms . . . nossir, I don’t get it. Anyway, this time we’re using the highly sophisticated Max-O-Tron 9000000 to generate the year (ignore any rumors that you might hear regarding the fact that the Max-O-Tron 9000000 is, in fact, a six-sided die and a set of percentile dice. Lies, I tell you, lies!) and through this incredibly complex algorithm (it would take a scientist to explain it), we settled on 1959. And what was 1959’s biggest cinematic success? A small-scale family drama involving a nice Jewish family called “Ben-Hur.” There’s love, spear-throwing, a friendly little chariot race and a few appearances by a young Jewish fella who broke his parents’ hearts by refusing to become a doctor and didn’t HE live to regret it! And remember: you’ll take Ben-Hur’s chariot when you pry it from his cold, dead hands, you damn dirty ape! Give a listen!

Poll question: when you hear that a movie is a multi-Oscar winner, does that influence your desire to see it? Positively or negatively? Leave a comment or call our Oscar-nominated hotline at 617-398-7266

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