Max, Mike; Movies!

Hello, mortal human listeners of the Max, Mike; Pathetic Mortal Cinematic Endeavors podcast. I am Vos N’yalanteth, the Soul Flayer and I represent the Demonic and Infernal Protection Society (or D.I.P.S.), an organization dedicated to correcting misinformation about demons and other so-called “evil” beings. My thanks to the insignificant humans who run this podcast for giving me an opportunity to address the extremely hurtful and insulting ways in which my fellow infernals are depicted in this week’s film “KPop Demon Hunters.” First of all, not all of us are mindless engines of destruction. Many of us are quiet, hard-working hellspawn who take great pride in our carefully-applied violence and soul-reaping. We perform a vital function for the darkworld community. Those souls aren’t going to harvest themselves, you know. Also, this film depicts our wholesale slaughter as a beneficial, noble, and “good” thing. Words cannot express my disgust this out-of-date cliché. Many of the demons slain in this movie have families and larval spawn feeding on the tortured flesh of the innocent until they burst out into the world with innocent eyes to begin the vital work of plotting the downfall of all that is good and kind. And this film calls us “monsters.” It’s an outrage. Sure, we don’t put on cute outfits and prance around in elaborately choreographed dance numbers or belt out catchy, vapid songs. Well, there are some exceptions that this movie shows, but never mind. When we release an “earworm”, it’s an actual earworm that enters your brain and forces you to give in to your darkest impulses. Not some over-produced musical mcnugget that you can’t get out of your sense-memory for days. Who are the real monsters here? I ask you to consider this as you listen and enjoy. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Poll question: What culture’s mythology deserves more movie time? Comment or summon the mystic spirit of our Hotline at 617-398-7266 and make an offering of a voicemail.

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All right, I can tolerate this no more! Mike, your insults and disrespectful comments have become unbearable! In honor of this week’s entry in “Cuz It’s Good For You” I challenge you to a duel! That’s right, I demand satisfaction. Stand closer so I can slap you with my 1970’s sunglasses! My choice of weapons . . . 1970’s automobiles! You sir, may choose first. Ahhh, I see you have selected the Plymouth Valiant. A fine, if predictable, choice! But it will be no match for my electric 1974 Sebring-Vanguard CitiCar! Didn’t see that one coming, did you, you rogue! Hah hah, you have fallen into my trap! Now, face me on the Asphalt of Honor! Show the same courage that Dennis Weaver shows in this, Steven Spielberg’s made-for-TV opus! Hah hah! Let us . . . let us . .. hang on, how do you start this thing . . . honor will be served and all that, just gimme a sec . . . uh . . . does anyone know how to drive manual transmission? Crap, hang on . . . ahhhh! That didn’t sound good! Wait, wait, wait . . . uh . . . wait, is that smoke? Dammit . . .you know what? I have decided to be merciful and forgive your heinous taunting. But let this be a lesson to . . . dammit, the door’s stuck again . . . give a listen, folks, be right with you . . .

Poll question: What is your current favorite TV show? Leave a comment or call 617-398-7266; operators are standing by!

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Welcome to another in our series “Cuz It’s Good For You,” movies from the Criterion collection. This week we’re testing our fighting skills against a Jackie Chan Classic, “Police Story 2.” In researching this film, and its director/star, I came across an interesting tidbit: Jackie Chan’s father was named Fang Daolong, but his English name was Charles Chan This is true!. I never knew: Jackie Chan is the son of Charlie Chan! Can you imagine the family conversations they must have had?

“Dad, I . . . I don’t want to be a famous detective based on a Chinese stereotype. I want to be an actor and a singer!”

“WHAT?! No son of mine is going to be an actor! In this house, we speak in fortune-cookie aphorisms in slightly broken English! The way God intended! You’ll join your brothers and sisters in the Chan Van and start solving mysteries immediately!”

“Dammit, Dad! I’m not you! I’m actually Chinese! You’ve only been portrayed by Japanese, Korean, or Caucasian actors!”

“Ha! A lot you know! What about Xu Xinyuan? He portrayed me in five films!”

“Yeah, but they were all produced in Shanghai and Hong Kong! No one outside of those places saw them! And what about Manuel Arbó?!”

“ . . . how DARE you say that name in this house . . .?!”

“ Manuel Arbó! Manuel Arbó! He played you in 1955 . . .” *SLAP*

“Oh God, son, I didn’t . . . I’m sorry . . . I can’t believe I . . .”

“It’s ok, Dad, it’s ok. I have a supernaturally high pain threshold. Look, this is who I am. I never wanted to hurt or disappoint you. I hope you can accept that someday. I’ll just leave through this plate glass window.” [sound of glass shattering]

“Jackie . . . son . . .”

*Sniff* . . . I hope those two will work it out over time . . .I hope so . . . I hope they’ll be ok . . .”

What? Oh right, like you’ve never created an entire head-canon about Jackie Chan’s relationship with a fictional character who shares his father’s name? I’M the weirdo, huh? Well, anyway, I think Jackie’s dad would be proud to see the kind of honest, surveillance-expert, bomb-defusing cop Jackie becomes in this week’s movie. And even more so in the “Police Story 3” when he’s promoted to Super Cop! Give a listen!

Poll question: what is your favorite martial arts movie, if any? Leave a comment or call our full-contact Hotline 617-398-7266 and leave an ass-kicking message!

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Quick, Mike! You know we’re doing a Fellini film this week, as we re-enter our “Cuz It’s Good For You” series! That means we have to be classy, elegant, refined! This is an art film! One of the greats, apparently! Get your Prada suit on! Get your Gucci loafers ready! I’ve got the Chianti bottle with a melty candle in it, and I just opened a nice bottle of Casa di Velours for us to enjoy. I’m not freaking out, you’re freaking out! I just want everything to be nice and Fellini-esque before we start! Oh, good, the stately procession of pale Archbishops is here. And here come the little people dressed as members of the various branches of the Italian military . . . dammit, where are the disapproving nuns with umbrellas?! How can we discuss Fellini without disapproving nuns with umbrellas? Wait, where are your Gucci loafers? What?! No, Keds is NOT the same thing! Oh god, now I’m hallucinating my grandmother playing badminton with Emperor Franz Joseph in a cemetery! . . . wait, that means everything IS perfect for a Fellini discussion! Molto bene! Give a listen!

Poll question: is there a film that you can’t decide if you like it or not?

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Ah, art! What a joy! I know, I know, everyone thinks Mike is the artist of our team but it’s a lie, I tell you! I, Max, am the undiscovered artistic genius! But all I ever hear is Mike, Mike, Mike. Just because he has “talent” and a “great sense of color and design” and understands “composition and perspective” and has “actually created artwork people have enjoyed,” and because he can “use a paintbrush” or “draw” or “create artwork digitally.” Well, I will be recognized! I’m just ahead of my time, just like the subject of this week’s movie “Basquiat,” in our series “Cuz It’s Good for You”! I’m just like Jean-Michel Basquiat! Sure, I didn’t sleep in a box in a park. Sure, I didn’t hang out with Andy Warhol. Sure, I’ve never actually painted anything, let alone sold it. Sure, I don’t have what the snobs call “talent” or “ability” or “the ability to see more than four colors” but my creations of bubble gum and live raccoons are towering works of artness! You’ll see! You’ll all see! But until my genius is recognized (or institutionalized) give a listen and see what we think of this movie and its surprising cast!

Poll question: Do you enjoy watching bad movies and if so, why? Bonus: what’s your favorite bad movie? Leave a comment or call our Bad Movie Alert Hotline at 617-398-7266 and leave a voicemail!

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Welcome back to “Cuz It’s Good for You,” movies from the Criterion Collection. Friends. How many times has this happened to you? You’re hosting a dinner party. The music is elegant. The hors d’ouevres are delightful. The hamsters are impeccably groomed. You’re set to the host or hostess of the season . . . and then . . . oh no! Those pesky radiation-fed animate brains start coming out of the wood-work, feeding on the occipital lobes of your guests, spilling the drinks, and changing the music to “The Greatest Polka Hits of Ollie Knutson and the St. Joe Fatboys.” Your party is ruined! You become a social pariah! But wait! No more! Now you can stop this horrible experiment in telekinesis gone horribly wrong before it even begins, with new, improved BumpyGuard Brainz-Away! Just install our small, barely-noticeable Brainz-Away Stations^tm in each corner of every room of your house and for a small monthly maintenance fee, we will guarantee your house will remain brain-free, much like the writers of this week’s movie. Don’t delay, order today! Use your brain! Get rid of brains! Give us a listen for more details.

Poll question: what is the most ludicrous movie “science” you can think of? Leave a comment or call our SCIENCE hotline at 617-398-7266

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This week’s installment of “Cuz It’s Good for You” is a spine-chilling tale of horror about . . . cat people! Imagine the nightmare of someone cursed to take on the attributes of a cat! Watch in dread as a beautiful Serbian woman . . . ruins the furniture with her claws! Gasp in horror as she slowly deliberately . . . pushes a glass of water off a table! Shiver in your seat as the hell beast . . . refuses to eat the exact same food she enjoyed yesterday! Can your heart stand the strain as she gazes at the man besotted with her and demands to know if she can, in fact, haz cheeseburger? What twisted mind could concoct such infernal horrors? Well, it’s in the Criterion Collection, so that means you not only have to see it, you have to appreciate it. Turn the lights down, enjoy a feast most fancy, and pray to Ceiling Cat to save your soul from this desperate tail. I mean, tale.

Poll question What horror movie gave you nightmares? What monster stayed with you?

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