Max, Mike; Movies!

Hello. This week on the Max, Mike; Movies series “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” we’re going to be discussing “Monsters.” What truly is a monster? It can be a mania, a mash, or even a truck. And yes, it can also be a giant, extra-natural being that can, simply due to its basic nature, cause a certain amount of distress to property and people. Yes, a “monster” can be alarming, yes they can seem different, alien, non-human . . . but ask yourself this: isn’t there a monster inside each of us? Don’t we all have our inner monster? Who among us hasn’t looked in the mirror in the morning and seen a post-human hell-spawn, with wells of dark fire where our eyes should be and fangs dripping pustulant venom? I know I have. Who really, honestly, hasn’t spread their leathery, be-clawed wings and indulged their perfectly natural urge to rain blazing death down on the shrieking city dwellers below us? I know I have. And yet we insist on reviling these so-called “monsters,” shunning them, disparaging them to others, firing anti-tank missiles at me, I mean, at them. People, this needs to stop. We need to enter into a frank and open dialogue with these alleged “monsters.” We need to stop firing newly-developed hyperweapons at us, I mean them. Think about it, won’t you? I’ll take the first step: I’m off to engage in an honest and meaningful exchange of thoughts, concepts, and concentrated plasma breath with the city of Cleveland. Hopefully we’ll all grow from this.

Poll question: what movie franchise do you think has had enough already and should be quietly laid to rest? Leave a comment or a voicemail on our “A Monster! Everybody Panic!” hotline at 617-398-7266.

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You know what really chaps my nose? Teenagers! Them dang kids, always riding their jalopies around at crazy speeds, like thirty miles per hour . . . swinging those indecent hula-hoops around . . . listening to that devil’s Big Band music . . . well, for this week’s episode of “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” we’re talking about one of the great unsung heroes of cinema: “The Blob.” Here’s a decent, civic-minded mass of corrosive protoplasm who ends up on Earth, minding its own business, maybe eating one old hermit (probably on Welfare or Unemployment, good riddance) and next thing the poor thing knows, it’s being harassed by, you guessed it, teenagers! Whether they’re hot rodding around or smooching (disgusting!) nearby, these wild hooligans won’t leave our poor, hungry hero alone. Of COURSE he’s going to eat one or two of the townsfolk; serves ‘em right for putting up with these ding-dang teens! And you’d think a nice, mature fella like Steve McQueen would know better, but no! He’s claiming to be one of the teenagers! Traitor! I won’t spoil the heartbreakingly tragic ending but you don’t shed a tear at the end, well, you’ve got a heart of stone. Give a listen and enjoy; I see a cloud that needs yelling at!

Poll question:  what is your favorite monster or monster-movie based song? Leave a comment or leave a voicemail on our Singing Monster hotline at 617-398-7266!

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You know who we don’t talk about enough on this podcast? Vin Diesel. Yes, that big bald heap of a man has given us some truly awe-inspiring performances, and some epic line-reads. So, on this week’s episode of “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” we are going to correct this tragic error with a show about “The Iron Giant.” While Vin-vin may only deliver around 50-odd words in this entire performance, surely they rank with his other brilliant expostulation such as “Family,” “I am Groot,” “We are Groot” and, of course, “I’ll kill you with my teacup.”  Does this early Brad Bird piece of animation provide any lines with such pathos, such depth, and such an opportunity to tease out another bravura performance from Vinny-vin-vin? Give a listen and find out!

Poll question: what is your favorite animated movie? Leave a comment or call and leave a voicemail on our Giant Robot Sighting Hotline at 617-398-7266!

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Well, if we’re doing “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” as a series, there is no way we can ignore the King of Monsters, Godzilla (or Gojira, if you’re a purist). Godzilla: seventy years of squashing Tokyo under his belt and he shows no signs of slowing down. But which movie to choose? There are so many, both Japanese and American. Wow, this is tough . . . I know! How about a Godzilla movie with the smallest amount of Godzilla possible in it?! Sure! How about he gets frozen in a block of ice at the beginning and then we don’t see him for almost an hour? Genius! But have no fear, there’s plenty of other giant monsters to run screaming from . . . in fact, there’s almost all of them . . . briefly, anyway. And if that’s not enough for you, we’ve got aliens who dress like Matrix extras! And mutants whose mutations seem to mainly involve having really great hair. Truly this is an age of wonders! Not enough for you? How about rip-offs, I mean, tributes to “Independence Day” and several “Matrix” movies! Still not enough? How about marital arts fights? How about martial arts fights on motorcycles? How about scenes evocative of various Power Rangers shows? Yes, this movie truly does have it all . . . all of what? Well, give a listen and see if we can make any sort of sense out of this . . . or if we even need to!

Poll question: who is your favorite, most fun kaiju (giant monster)? Leave a comment or call our “I ❤️Godzilla” Hotline at 617-398-7266. Who knows? The Big G himself might answer (spoiler: he won’t answer).

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When Mike said he was choosing a movie about a troll for this week’s episode of “Oh No! A Giant Monster!”, I naturally assumed he would make the obvious choice of an animated classic. No, not those silly “Trolls” movies with Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberland or whatever his name is; those are just colorful jukebox movies that I guess SOME people enjoyed. Nor did I expect “Trollkins: the Movie” but mainly because that remains sadly unfilmed. No, I truly believed that Mike would choose the greatest cinematic portrayal of a troll: Don Bluth’s tragically misunderstood “A Troll in Central Park.” Starring the voice talents of such luminaries as Dom DeLuise, Haley Mills, and Charles Nelson Riley (not to mention Cloris Leachman), this emotional tour de force has long been dismissed simply because it has a 14% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and because of ludicrous criticisms such as “slow” and “cloying” and “this is the same guy who did ‘Secret of NIMH’? What happened?” I am very sad to announce that Mike showed a similar barbaric response when I suggested that this would be his choice, mostly involving him laughing until Bosco came out his nose. No, he chose a giant monster movie (ok, that’s SLIGHTLY more in keeping with this series’ theme) from some country called Nogaway or something. I think he made it up. Anyway, courage, Don Bluth! I will tell the story of your greatest troll-based triumph some day! Until then, give a listen.

Poll question: what do you think is the most effective movie monster? Leave a comment or call our Giant-Monster-Sighting Hotline at 617-398-7266.

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This week’s entry in our series “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” asks the question “Just what makes that little old ant/Think he’ll move that rubber tree plant/Everyone knows an ant/Can’t/Move a rubber tree plant.” BUT what if that selfsame ant is mutated by the magic that is 1950’s radiation into a GIANT ant? You don’t think he could smack around all the rubber tree plants he wants? Of course he can! And that’s the message of this week’s movie “Them!” That’s right, if you come up against a problem that seems too big for you to handle, get yourself exposed to the sorcerous wonder that is nuclear radiation and grow to gigantic size. It worked for the Amazing Colossal man! It worked for the Fifty Foot Woman! It can work for you and me. Hmmm . . . ok, maybe that isn’t exactly the message of this week’s movie. I suppose a more literalist interpretation would be more along the lines of “OH MY GOD! GIANT ANTS ARE KILLING PEOPLE! KILL THEM KILL THEM KILL THEM! SOMEONE GET A REALLY BIG SNEAKER TO HIT THEM WITH!” Yeah, if I’m being honest, that’s closer to the heart of this movie. But do these cinematic Hymenoptra terrify or just look silly? How about the actors? Hey, Peter Graves’ brother James Arness is in this! Does that count for something? Give a listen and find out!

Poll question: what kind of movie monster can you just not take seriously?

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Welcome to a brand new, city-crushing series! We here at Max, Mike; Movies like to be larger-than-life so we’re trying to come up with some larger-than-life ideas for AHHHHH! A GIANT MONSTER IS ATTACKING THE CITY!! Ohhhhhh! Is it the judgment of the gods? Is it a metaphor for nuclear destruction? Perhaps it is the friend of all children! Hmmm, one would think the friend of all children would step on fewer orphanages, but perhaps the monster is just lonely or misunderstood. Giant monsters: so like us, and yet so not. But boy, do they generate a great number of movies, so we’re gonna talk about a bunch of them and perhaps THAT will save the city! Hey, it’s worth a try! We’re kicking off our new series, “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” with an early J.J. Abrams movie, produced by Steven Spielberg, so you know there will be adorable kids and plenty o’ lens flares! What more could a movie need? Why, a giant monster, that’s what! Give a listen and find out if we are all DOOOOOOMED or if beauty will kill the beast.

Poll question: what movie really represents your childhood?

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