Episode 348 – The Witch (2015)

We’re plunging ahead with our series “Directors in Short Pants” with Robert Eggers’ first egg-fort (I’m sorry; I’ll leave quietly) “The Witch.” What’s that? You’ve never seen this movie? Well, you must be A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN THEM! BURRRRNNN THEEMMMMMM! *ahem* Anyway, you can clearly see the themes and tropes that Eggers uses throughout his just-starting-out career. You can’t seem them? Only a WITCH WOULDN’T SEE THEM! A WITCH! THEY MUST BE BUUUURRRRRNED! Um, so right, I don’t know about you but this movie had no effect on me whatsoever and anyone it did effect could only BE A WITCH! WITCH! WITCH! WITCHES EVERYWHERE! MY MAIL CARRIER IS A WITCH! THAT POODLE! WITCH!! THAT FRYING PAN! IT’S A WITCH! BURN THEM! BURN EVERYONE! BURN ME! ONLY ANOTHER WITCH WOULD SEE WITCHES EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Give a listen, won’t you? Don’t make me accuse you of witchcraft! ‘cause I’ll do it! You know I will!

Poll question: who is your favorite witch of movie or TV fame? Comment or call our “Witch Accusation Hotline” at 617-398-7266

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Episode 347 – Slacker (1990)

Yeah, hi, so, y’know, I guess we’re doing a new series, or whatever. Something about famous directors, right, and their first-ever full-length movies and stuff. Or whatever. “Directors in Short Pants” or something, I dunno, none of it really matters. Everything’s set against us, right? It’s all big plots by alien Freemasons and junk, right? So what’s the point of anything? So, we’re starting, I guess, with this guy Richard Linklatter (like that’s a real name, right?) and he did a movie in 1990 called “Slacker,” right, so I guess, ooo, he’s SUCH  a big deal and we should just all fall on our knees and worship him and whatever, right? Just because he, you know, DID a thing. So capitalistic. He’s just another guy working for the Man, ok? At least here, Mike and I aren’t being hypocrites, right? I mean, we’ve got podcast, right, so OBVIOUSLY we’re making the world better by talking about movies and stuff, ok? How? Oh, you wanna know how talking about movies makes the world better? Oh man, if you really wanna know, here, you’re gonna need this flowchart I sketched on a Denny’s napkin . . . so, it really starts with the Hollow Earth Theory, ok? And there are like these lizard people who started the Rosicrucians and . . . hey, where you going? C’mon! I got more napkins . . . can I at least bum a smoke?

Poll question: What movie have you seen the most times IN A THEATER? Streaming, home video doesn’t count?

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Episode 346 – Fantastic Four: First Steps (2025)

Sweet Aunt Petunia’s plaid knickers! It’s another in our series “Summer Blockbusters and Summer Not”! And guess what, True Believers (and False Deniers, for that matter), we’re checking out the fourth (or fifth, depending on how  you count them) iteration of Marvel’s First Family, The Fantastic Four! Roger Corman set the bar pretty high, I know, but we only hope! So enjoy as Fantasti-Max and Fantasti-Mike regale you on our Fantasti-podcast as to what is Fantasti-great in the movie and what, if anything, Fantasti-sucks! Crack open a cold Fantasti-drink, sit back in your Fantasti-chair and . . . Mike, this is the last time I let you talk me into using one of Marvel’s Fantasi-AIs to “tune things up”! I’m gonna Fanstati-smack you right in your Fantasti-face! Dammit, how do I turn off this Fantasti-filter?! Marvel you can Fantasti-kiss my Fantasti-[fantasti-redacted] you bunch of [fantasti-redacted fantasti-redacted fantasti-redacted] AAAAHHHHHHHHH! Just give a Fantasti-listen, won’t Fantasti-you?

Poll question: what summer blockbuster do you remember anticipating most when you were young? Leave a comment or call our Misty Water Colored Memories hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Episode 345 – Tremors (1990)

We have finally come to the end of our “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” series with 1990’s “Tremors,” the terrifying story of what life would be like with giant underground monsters boring through the earth below us and *rumble* OH GOD NO! IT’S A GRABOID! IT HAS TO BE! WE’RE ALL DOOMED! IF ONLY . . . oh, hang on, that was the icemaker switching on. Hoo. That was close. So, we’re coming to the close of *rumble* OH GOD WHAT’S THAT HORRIBLE SHAKING NOISE?! WE’RE GOING TO BE DEVOURED FOR SURE! HOW COULD . . . oh, ok, wow, I gotta get that air conditioner fixed. Shouldn’t be making that kind of noise . . . guess I’m a little on edge. Anyway, we *rumble blatttttt* OH GOD I KNEW IT THIS IS THE END . . . wait, what’s that smell . . . ? Oh, man, Mike, I warned you about those bean, cauliflower, lentil and broccoli salads! Someone open a window! Oh lord, the paint is peeling off the walls! Dammit, Mike…! Folks, just give a listen to this week’s show while I call a hazmat team. My eyes! Oh god, my eyes are burning! Gee, I sure hope we don’t get interrupted next week by another Summer Blockbuster . . .

Poll question: What is your favorite performance by Kevin Bacon? Leave a comment or call our “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Episode 344 – Superman (2025)

Look! Up on the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a frog! (A frog?!) It’s another remake of “Sooperdooperman”, this time from James “Tommy” Gunn (that’s what I call him, ‘cause we’re best friends and I totally know him in real life and I’m not just talking about a stuffed penguin that I named James “Tommy” Gunn at all I don’t know why you would even think that). Yes, we’re got another of our Interrupting Series “Summer Blockbusters and Summer Not” and it’s quite the buster of blocks . . . or is it? Me, I don’t think “Tommy” Gunn really needed to include an in-depth narrative dive into all the types of Kryptonite out there. I mean sure, there’s Green Kryptonite that kills, Red Kryptonite that causes random plot devices to occur, and Gold Kryptonite that permanently removes Kryptonian super-powers (don’t know how they tested that . . .) but do we really need to know about Chartreuse Kryptonite that forces Superman to mix stripes with plaids? Or Taupe Kryptonite that causes any Kryptonian to experience uncontrolled, explosive nose-hair growth? Or Indigo Kryptonite that forces Superman to become obsessed with the intrinsic impermanence of all existence? Or Mauve Kryptonite, that causes any Kryptonian to talk endlessly about the novels of Susan Sondheim? Sure, all this is canon (and I when I say “canon” I mean my personal head-canon; don’t get me started on Industrial Grey Kryptonite) but do they need to spend 90 minutes of the film discussing them? No, of course they don’t, which is why none of this comes up in the film. Are you nuts? Am I nuts? Is Mike nuts? I think the answer here is pretty obvious, Josephine, but that’s neither here nor over behind that chair. Give a listen and see what we thought about what ACTUALLY happens in the film.

Poll question: who’s your favorite Superman, in movies or TV? Who wore the cape the best?

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Episode 343 – Jurassic World: Rebirth (2025)

Moms! Dads! Are your kids bored with their plain old dinosaurs? Are they no longer excited by uninteresting Velociraptors and bland, predictable Compsognathus? Are tired of their sad, lonely faces and want another chance to buy the love and respect of your offspring? Then come on down to Max and Mike’s Jurassic World! You want dinosaurs? We got dinosaurs! We got the Amazosaurus Rex! We got the Superawesomecoolodon! We got the Extremeradatops! Come on down now for our “Summer Blockbusters and Summer Not” sale! Our helpful and overly-talented sales staff, including Scarlett Johannson and Mahershala Ali will be glad to help you select from our Totally New Dinosaurs! Now with Extra References to Other Movies!! And while you’re here, why don’t you check out our selection of Gently Used Movie Plots, ‘cause we’ve got so many of those, we’re practically giving them away! So come on down! Put yourselves and your kids in carefully supervised jeopardy at our fabulous showroom, just off Highway 78A, at the “Meddling In Things Man Is Not Meant To Know” exit! Come on down! We’ve got free hotdogs and Pegomastax the clown!

Poll question: what film do you think could be expanded into a franchise? Whose adventures do you want to see more?

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Episode 342 – Monsters (2010)

Hello. This week on the Max, Mike; Movies series “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” we’re going to be discussing “Monsters.” What truly is a monster? It can be a mania, a mash, or even a truck. And yes, it can also be a giant, extra-natural being that can, simply due to its basic nature, cause a certain amount of distress to property and people. Yes, a “monster” can be alarming, yes they can seem different, alien, non-human . . . but ask yourself this: isn’t there a monster inside each of us? Don’t we all have our inner monster? Who among us hasn’t looked in the mirror in the morning and seen a post-human hell-spawn, with wells of dark fire where our eyes should be and fangs dripping pustulant venom? I know I have. Who really, honestly, hasn’t spread their leathery, be-clawed wings and indulged their perfectly natural urge to rain blazing death down on the shrieking city dwellers below us? I know I have. And yet we insist on reviling these so-called “monsters,” shunning them, disparaging them to others, firing anti-tank missiles at me, I mean, at them. People, this needs to stop. We need to enter into a frank and open dialogue with these alleged “monsters.” We need to stop firing newly-developed hyperweapons at us, I mean them. Think about it, won’t you? I’ll take the first step: I’m off to engage in an honest and meaningful exchange of thoughts, concepts, and concentrated plasma breath with the city of Cleveland. Hopefully we’ll all grow from this.

Poll question: what movie franchise do you think has had enough already and should be quietly laid to rest? Leave a comment or a voicemail on our “A Monster! Everybody Panic!” hotline at 617-398-7266.

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Episode 341 – Mission: Impossible: Final Reckoning (2025)

Well, well, well, Mr. Bumpy. You’ve been a busy little pony, haven’t you? I do hope the restraints aren’t too uncomfortable. No doubt you came here expecting another giant monster movie . . . but sadly, the plans have been changed. A-heh heh heh . . . oh, do pardon the dry chuckle but the look on your face. . . . You tried so hard, didn’t you? Well this week’s movie is part of, shall we say, a SPECIAL series, a series designed specifically for the summer months. We’re calling it “Summer Blockbusters and Summer Not.” A brief little series this shall be, covering some of the, shall we say, “hottest” movies of the Summer. Aheh heh heh. Droll, is it not? And wouldn’t you know it, we’re starting off with a follow-up to a movie that was reviewed right on this very show: “Mission: Impossible: Final Reckoning” starring that amusing little Tom Cruise fellow. The irony is palpable, is it not? This show started something . . . and now I’m going to finish it. Once. And. For. All. You know, we’re not so different, you and I . . . Now, If you’ll direct your attention to the monitor we can get . . .No! How did a walrus get in here?! Watch out for flying Necco Wafers! How did that thrice-damned pony get out of the restraints?! Guards! Seize him! What? No, don’t kill him! I need him alive! I haven’t finished gloating! I want him alive . . . wait, no, that’s stupid. If he’s alive, he can still screw things up! You know what? Just have the snipers take him out right now . . . ah, perfect, thanks so much. Hmmm . . . oddly doesn’t feel as satisfying but, oh well. Now . . . let the world tremble before our discussion of this movie! That’s what induces world-trembling, right? Insightful film criticism? I’m sure that’s right . . .

Poll question: What is your favorite tv-show-to-movie adaptation? Leave a comment or leave a voicemail on our Tom Cruise Running hotline at 617-398-7266!

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Episode 340 – The Blob (1958)

You know what really chaps my nose? Teenagers! Them dang kids, always riding their jalopies around at crazy speeds, like thirty miles per hour . . . swinging those indecent hula-hoops around . . . listening to that devil’s Big Band music . . . well, for this week’s episode of “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” we’re talking about one of the great unsung heroes of cinema: “The Blob.” Here’s a decent, civic-minded mass of corrosive protoplasm who ends up on Earth, minding its own business, maybe eating one old hermit (probably on Welfare or Unemployment, good riddance) and next thing the poor thing knows, it’s being harassed by, you guessed it, teenagers! Whether they’re hot rodding around or smooching (disgusting!) nearby, these wild hooligans won’t leave our poor, hungry hero alone. Of COURSE he’s going to eat one or two of the townsfolk; serves ‘em right for putting up with these ding-dang teens! And you’d think a nice, mature fella like Steve McQueen would know better, but no! He’s claiming to be one of the teenagers! Traitor! I won’t spoil the heartbreakingly tragic ending but you don’t shed a tear at the end, well, you’ve got a heart of stone. Give a listen and enjoy; I see a cloud that needs yelling at!

Poll question:  what is your favorite monster or monster-movie based song? Leave a comment or leave a voicemail on our Singing Monster hotline at 617-398-7266!

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Episode 339 – The Iron Giant (1999)

You know who we don’t talk about enough on this podcast? Vin Diesel. Yes, that big bald heap of a man has given us some truly awe-inspiring performances, and some epic line-reads. So, on this week’s episode of “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” we are going to correct this tragic error with a show about “The Iron Giant.” While Vin-vin may only deliver around 50-odd words in this entire performance, surely they rank with his other brilliant expostulation such as “Family,” “I am Groot,” “We are Groot” and, of course, “I’ll kill you with my teacup.”  Does this early Brad Bird piece of animation provide any lines with such pathos, such depth, and such an opportunity to tease out another bravura performance from Vinny-vin-vin? Give a listen and find out!

Poll question: what is your favorite animated movie? Leave a comment or call and leave a voicemail on our Giant Robot Sighting Hotline at 617-398-7266!

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