Author: Max&Mike

This week in our “… But An Incredible Simulation” series we tackle the very serious lyrical question: Was EVERYONE Kung Fu Fighting? I mean, it just doesn’t’ seem to make practical sense for everyone, everywhere to be Kung Fu Fighting, especially at the same time. All urban infrastructure would come to a complete halt. Food production would falter. The kicks in question may have indeed been “fast as lightning”, which would suggest a fairly short refractory period but it’s more than likely that there were multiple kicks from multiple sources, so that’s going to take some time. It’s clearly stated that it was a little bit frightening, so a number of people are going to need counseling and emotional support, and that is going to eat into productivity. Also, people are bowing and making a stand all over the place; that’s going to play havoc with traffic patterns. Clearly, this is a serious question so you can understand why DreamWorks SKG decided to make a movie addressing this pressing issue. And it needed to star a Panda, voiced by Jack Black, but that’s just intuitively obvious. Sure, the plot of the movie doesn’t EXPLICITLY address if everyone was in fact Kung Fu Fighting, but I feel the subtext is pretty clear. If Mike ever stops pointing at me and laughing, I’m sure he’ll agree as well. Give a listen and see if that in fact happens.

Poll question: who is your favorite animated character?

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Mac and Cheese. Mac and PC. Mac and Me. It’s an almost inevitable progression, isn’t it? A beloved taste treat, a primal struggle between titans, and . . . this movie we’re using for this week’s entry in “…But An Incredible Simulation.” I’m sure you don’t need me to point out the obvious connection between these three cultural phenomena . . . which is good, because I’m not gonna do it! Instead, I’m going to point out that this 1988 iconic cinematic gem bears only the very slightest resemblance to any movie we may have discussed last week. But, the cynical masses cry out, surely “Mac and Me” is just an obvious rip-off of the beloved classic “E.T.”! Is it, I bravely reply? Is it really? Then answer me this, o cynical masses: does “E.T” have even ONE SCENE shot in a McDonald’s training facility? Why no, it does not! Rather telling, no? And, remind me, how much break-dancing does “E.T.” contain? What’s that? None at all? And how many appearances does Ronald McDonald himself make in “E.T.”, would you mind telling me? Precisely zero, that’s right! Well, I think effectively countered any accusations of similarities between this movie and anything that hack Spellbug, or whatever his name is, may or may not have come out with previously. Case closed and I’m climbing out the window before anyone can even think about disputing me, but before I plummet to my doom, give a listen and see how if Mike agrees with my brilliantly cogent argument!

Poll question: what movie has the most egregious product placement, the kind that just took you right out of the movie?

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Welcome to another in our “…But An Incredible Simulation,” where we pair blockbusters with mockbusters, in an attempt to tease your cinematic palette (ooo, sounds naughty!). This week, we’ve got a classic Steven Spielberg blockbuster about a young boy and his carefully-maintained backup glass container holding earth and plants, creating a closed biosphere: “E.T., The Extra Terrarium.” Hmm. It’s possible everything in that previous sentence is wrong. Well, that’s nothing new. Yes, as you’ve probably sussed out, it’s the story of a young boy who introduces a gentle alien visitor to the pinnacles of human achievement: high-fructose corn syrup and artificial peanut butter flavoring. Oh, and probably love and compassion or some other junk. The boy is aided by his annoying but lovable older brother and his slightly shrill but lovable little sister, who actually teaches the alien to speak and later goes on to host her own daytime talk show. Way to go, Gertie! So how does this one-time tear-jerker from the 80’s hold up? Does it still make us want to phone home or does it make us want to phone a cab to get us to the nearest bar? Give a listen and find out!

Poll question: who is your favorite alien character?

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Ah, the fascinating geological phenomenon known as the “Atlantic Rim”! Studied by . . . NO ONE, OK? There IS no Atlantic Rim! Well, there is, but it’s not a fascinating planetary crustal system, roughly overlapping the Atlantic Rim of Fire . . . because THAT doesn’t exist either! What DOES exist is this rushed-out knock-off of last week’s blockbuster “Pacific Rim.” This is our first (but probably not our last) series entry for “… But An Incredible Simulation” that was brought forth by the production company known as The Asylum and clearly there were in no way at all trying to piggyback on the relative success of “Pacific Rim” with a similar title, even if that title made no sense (I’m sure they realized that and that’s why they changed the title to “From the Sea” and it had nothing to do with any cease-and-desist letters from any other studio). While imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, does this particular imitation flatter . . . or shame? Are we talking Ho-hos and Drake’s Cakes? Or Ho-hos and crowbar upside the head? Give a listen and find out!

Poll question: what actor’s appearance in what movie just made you go “oh, god, why?!” What’s your most tragic “I needed the paycheck” film appearance?

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Heckfire and dog my cats! We got us a brand, spanking new series (a spanking! A spanking!) (Calm down, Mike). Y’ever notice how sometimes a big blockbuster movie comes out? Nah, me neither. Kidding, kidding, of course you have; but have you also noticed that when such a movie comes out, right on its heels comes another movie (or movies) that are, shall we say, suspiciously similar in style, genre, and sometimes outright content? Ever notice that such movies come out with suspicious speed compared the release of the blockbuster? Well, you’re not alone! You have us! You’ll always have us! We’re with you forever and ever and ever and ever . . .

Ahem. Where were we . . . ah, yes, our new series! We’re calling this one “… But An Incredible Simulation” and we’ll be watching several pairs of movies; the first will be the actual blockbuster, followed by the . . . tribute? Homage? Shameless rip-off? You decide; we’ll help! We’re starting off with a bang. Actually, several bangs, a lot of booms, and a whole bunch of “BLAAARRGGHHHHHAAAAA!” (that’s exactly how it looks in the subtitles) in 2013’s “Pacific Rim.” We’ve got giant monsters! Giant robots! Giant Idris Elba’s! Ok, he’s regular sized but he’s a giant on screen! And a regular sized Ron Perlman! How can we go wrong?! How indeed . . .

Poll question: what is your favorite giant monster movie? Not just the monster, but the specific movie.

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