Max, Mike; Movies!

I looked at the recently-dug grave and read the name on cheap headstone: “Remember! You Asked for It!” I considered how ironic irony can be. Ironically. It was hard reading the headstone upside down, and the heavy rain was pouring up my nose. Maybe hanging upside down from a tree branch wasn’t the most dignified way to lay a perfectly good series to rest, but life can be funny that way. Not “ha ha” funny, like hanging upside down by your knees in a tree in a cemetery is . . . c’mon, that’s pretty funny, right? But funny in the other way. As I swung slowly back and forth, the tree bark shredding the thinning fabric of my lederhosen, I pondered about the fundamental unfairness of the universe. Why? Why did so many good series have to end, while evil, vile, revolting ponies clip-clopped around, alive and free? What did it all mean? Why did this series in particular have to end with a 1951 Robert Mitchum/Jane Russell film noir? Why would Val Kuhns, the creator of the Second Greatest Known Podcast suggest such a movie to us? And how much would it hurt when my knees gave out and I fell from the tree branch onto the upturned rakes that I had previously not noticed directly below me? I guess we’d never know the answers to some of these questions . . . but I was pretty damn sure I’d find out the answer to that last one any minute . . . give a listen before my legs give out.

Poll question: is there a country, other than the U.S., whose movies you particularly enjoy?

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This week’s penultimate entry in our “Remember! You Asked For It!” series comes from Keith Wright and is heavily rooted in the lyricism and magic of the Harlem Renaissance, a time of remarkable literature, theater, and art. One of the historically-real main characters in this film, Bruce Nugent was known as a great jazz poet and he has inspired me to try my hand at some freeform jazz poetry. Dig it:

I see a bird
Hey, bird.
You’ve got wings. And feathers.
I think you’re eating part of a bagel, bird.
That’s wild.
Eat your bagel, bird. Then fly away. And look for more bagels.

Um . . . maybe it would be better with some jazz clarinet behind it? Sigh. Ok . . . so maybe jazz poetry isn’t really my medium. It’s certainly not well-done, but from now on it will be rare. See what I did there? Did I make you forget about the poem? No? Damnit . . . Well, fortunately our show is better than my poetry (as are most things). Give a listen!

Poll question: what kind of movie would you like to see more of in theaters right now?

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Ok, before anyone gets too excited, I should point out that this week’s entry in “Remember! You Asked For It!”, suggested by Tyler Stewart, is NOT the much-awaited sequel to “Kubo and the Two Strings.” I know, I know, I was disappointed too but I should have been tipped off by the fact that the movie would have skipped strings three, four, and five. That’s on me. What we have here instead is a bizarre cult movie with martial arts fury, swordplay, an annoying kid, a Russian band called The Red Elvises, and a literal manifestation of the classic struggle between Rock and Roll and Heavy Metal. I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, man, AGAIN?” But did I mention the bitchin’ soundtrack? No? Well, that’s on me again. Not my day, really. But let us help you make this YOUR day and listen in to our discussion of “Six String Samurai” and the power of RAAWWWWKKK!!!

Poll question: what is your favorite what-if-this-happened “alternative history” movie?

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Welcome to another episode in our “Remember! You Asked For It!” series! This week’s suggestion comes from crime-solving landscape artist Degsy O’Brien (I’m almost certain that’s what he does for a living) and it’s going to be a delightful romp! Yes, I’m pretty sure that this movie is an in-depth look into the life of famous Danish author Hans Christian Anderson. Yes, we get to hear all about his experiences in the Danish secret police, on such exciting missions as “Operation: Thumbelina” and “Code Name: Little Mermaid”. Now keep in mind that the audio quality from these tapes isn’t that great . . . in fact, they aren’t from literal “tapes” because that technology didn’t exist in the mid-19^th century, but of course they did have Mr. Edison’s wax cylinder recording technology, which as a member of Danish Intelligence, Hans would have had access to. In fact, I’m pretty sure he carried a tiny portable wax cylinder recorder hidden in his hatband, along with tons of other cool gadgets . . . hah? What’s that? Wax cylinder tech wasn’t invented until two years after Anderson’s death? And he was never a member of Danish Intelligence? Well, of course, they’d deny it . . . whazzat? I’ve been spelling his name wrong? It’s Andersen not Anderson? Ah. I see. I have once again gotten everything wrong. Fine. Fine. Fine. I guess it’s the Bad Boy Box for me, again. But while I’m thinking about what I’ve done, give a listen to our discussion of this 1971 Sidney Lumet film starring Sean Connery (the one that WASN’T “Diamonds Are Forever”). Yes. That makes a bit more sense. Enjoy!

Poll question: What is your favorite Sean Connery performance? 

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Hello, dear listeners and fellow members of the proletariat! Welcome to another episode in our series “Remember! You Asked For It!”  Well, we find ourselves in a teensy-weensy pickle this week. It seems that somehow, someone got ahold of a pre-post copy of this week’s show about our good chum Daaaaaave’s suggestion “The Death of Stalin.” How zany! Gosh, it appears that there may possibly have been some folks who found our little podcast episode, how shall I put it, maybe an itty-bitty bit unflattering to a particular period in Russian history, particularly the Stalin-esque period of the Soviet Union. I’ve been having a very nice chat with some lovely gentlemen with absolutely charming accents who have been kind enough to very thoroughly express their less-than-satisfied reaction to our little japes and jests and so forth. I just want to assure EVERYONE listening, and not just my new friend Sergei who is helpfully looking over my shoulder as I type, that we meant absolutely no disrespect to Great Father Stalin and if anyone misunderstood any of my silly-billy jokes about “tyranny” and “antisemitism” and “mass murder,” then I would just like to say how incredibly, totally, and sincerely I am sorry and I’m sure Comrade Stalin was a very nice fellow who liked bunny rabbits and so forth and was in no way an alcoholic dictator who caused the deaths of millions of his fellow citizens. What a goofy notion! Oh, how we are all laughing over this wacky misunderstanding? Right, Sergei? Right . . . .? [oh god he’s in the bathroom now somebody help me help me please help m]

Ha ha. The last bit was big funny humor-joke by me, Mark La Vine. Ha ha. We will be laughing now. Move along. Not to see anything here.

Poll question: what is your favorite pollical movie, thriller or otherwise?

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Hullo, children! Hullo! Welcome back to Uncle Max, Uncle Mike; Uncle Movies. Are you sitting comfortably? Good! This week in our “Remember! You Asked For It!” series, we’ve got a question from young Julie O’Malley who wants to know all about “The Fifth Element.” Well, Julie, you must be the smartest one in your class! Because not everyone is interested in a fascinating element like Boron, but clearly you are! And why not? Boron, the fifth element on the periodic table, is terribly important! Without Boron to make Borax, our clothes wouldn’t be as clean! We also use Boron to make high-strength glassware. Boron is just so important! Did you know that Bruce Willis AND Milla Jovovich use Boron every day? Ruby Rhod is the official spokesperson for Boron! And here’s a little-known fun fact: Gary Oldman is actually made up of 80% Boron! Isn’t that amazing? And all these wonderful people are in Luc Besson’s calm, quiet, educational film and everywhere you look in this movie, there’s our old friend Boron, quietly toiling away in the windows being shattered by the many, many explosions, in the Boron Carbide fibers for the simulated nuclear reactors, and in Gary Oldman’s cute little glass head shield. Join us and find out why we say “Boron is Boroniffic!”

Poll question: what is your favorite science-fiction movie and why?

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Once again, most elegant and finely-manicured listeners, you spoke and we listened! This week, for our “Remember! You Asked For It!” series, the most worthy Brian Mundo requested a review of an obscure, rather confusing Stephen King sequel involving a rabid St. Bernard stalking the great singer-songwriter Gorden Sumner and his recently-discovered clone. So, I had a lot of trouble finding a copy of “Cujo and the Two Stings” but I have to say it was truly worth the price from that Bulgarian Dark Web site so I *OW!* Geez, Mike, why did . . . hah? Oh. Really? Kubo and the what now? Ah. Yes, that is a bit different. Right, right, fourth movie from Laika studios . . . well, as Mike, that scamp, has reminded me with a playful hatchet lobbed into my occipital lobe, we were supposed to be discussing “Kubo and the Two Strings,” a remarkable achievement in stop-motion from the people who brought us “Coraline” and “ParaNorman.” Now, normally I’d run off and quickly check out this animated effort but I’m going to suggest that Brian might actually be more interested in hearing what we have to say about this Bratisolva Slovokian horror movie involving a pair of Stings and an insane hound. I mean, it stars Bohumil Nováková as Sting One and Sting Two and the great Jaroslav Tóthová as Cujo; we all know that Bohumil Nováková never made a bad movie, so why not *OW!* Dammit, where do you keep getting those hatchets? Fine, fine, we’ll discuss your precious animated thingy. I just hope there’s a giant fire-breathing chicken in it. Give a listen and find out if there is!

Poll question: in animation, how do you feel about professional voice actors vs. celebrity voices being used?

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WOOO! ROCK AND ROLL! ‘ALLO, DUBUQUE! WE! ARE! MAX! MIKE! MOVIES! AND WE ARE HERE TO ROCK YOUR STREETS UNTIL THEY FIRE! YEEEEAHHHH! If I can bring it down for a moment, Mike and I are thrilled to be here, this latest stop on our “Remember! YOU Asked For It!” tour. And we are gonna RAAWWWWKKK! YEEEEEAHHH! Our show has it all! An evil Willem Dafoe! Rick Moranis as a music industry sleaze! Amy Madigan as a badass! And a THOROUGHLY UNLIKEABLE 80’s HERO WITH TOTALLY 80’S STUBBLE! YEAAHHHH! What’s more rock and roll than that? How about a totally bitchin’ 80’s rock soundtrack, written mostly by the Ry Cooder Band?! You want that? You want it?! How bad do you want it? YEAAAAHHHHH, that’s what I’m talking about! Now let’s get ready to RAWWW…. ow . . . owowowowowow . . . dammit, I pulled my back again. Crap, my orthopedic platform boot just lost a heel! Mike, get untangled from the flight wires and help me! Aaahhh, my hip! Give a listen, quick, before my heart pills kick in.

Poll question: What is your favorite rock and roll movie?

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A new year and a . . . slightly new series. Technically we started this one last year with “Wicked” but . . . look, stop nit-picking ok? Why must you hound me so?! Where will it all end?! Well, not with this week’s entry in our “Remember! You Asked For It!” series, that’s for gosh-darn sure. And speaking of being gosh-darned, this week’s entry deals with that very touchy subject: selling your soul to the Devil! Yes, in this moderned-up version of the Faust story, Dudley Moore sells his soul to the Peter Cook (who makes a darn fine devil, don’tchaknow) meaning that his soul will be darned to Heck for all etern-diddly-ernity! That’s a dilly of a pickle! This suggestion comes to us from the Lord of Flightless Tuxedo-Clad Birds, Vince, dread master of the Great Dark North. Join us and see how British humor merges with the concept of sin, free will, blowing raspberries, and nuns on trampolines! And never forget the magic words: “Julie Andrews”! [disclaimer: Ms. Andrews does not appear in this film. Racquel Welch does, but she is not to be confused with Julie Andrews. Nor could she be, really]

Poll question: do you have a favorite biblical, or bible-adjacent movie? “Ten Commandments”? “Dogma”? “Jesus Christ: Superstar”? Leave a comment or call our Unholy Hotline at 617-398-7266.

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