You find yourself in a dark forest at the border of the
fabled kingdom of “Max, Mike; Movies!” The supremely evil yet disturbingly
handsome necromancer SauruMax has cast the terrible ninth-level curse of “You
Can’t Make Me, You Can’t Make Me” on the half-gnome, half-smurf Mikey the Pantsless,
forcing the poor creature to endure the torments of yet another terrible
movie. Will you embark on an epic quest
to help the tragic yet flatulent Mikey? Will you endure the agony with him? Will
you remember to loot the bodies? Will you cast Magic Missile at the darkness?
Yes, this week I subject my unfortunate colleague to a gorge-risingly dull
piece of tripe, based on the “Let’s Take Advantage of Parents’ Fears About
Dungeons and Dragons” novel by Rona Jaffe and starring a bunch of nobodies,
with one or two notable exceptions. One
of them is this kid named Tom Franks or something; seems like he might actually
make something of himself, once he scours the stench of this stinkfest off
himself. For a movie that’s supposed to
terrify parents, it seems more interested in slowly boring its audience to
death. Well, that’s one way to earn
experience points, I guess. It’s got all
the elements of D&D: clueless eighties parents, no real concept of how
role-playing games work, and hats. Lots of hats. Hearken unto us and see if this movie
captures the essence of D&D or if it just captures the essence of a TV
movie that should be avoided at all costs.
Roll for initiative!
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Definitely to be avoided but not nearly as bad as that….Vegas film. I have a bunch of chick comics somewhere, including “the gay blade” and chick going off about “Bewitched” and “I Dream of Jeanie”! The satanic panic was an awful time and covered not just d&d but accused daycare providers as satanist killers and put kids in jail for murder because they listened to heavy metal. How many satanist cults were exposed? Zero in the end.
Every time that kind of thing happens, the only results are people who were happily minding their own business find it harder to have a little fun at no one’s expense. As has been shown over the decades, D+D is not only NOT responsible for ‘train tunnel deaths,’ it wasn’t even really responsible for this terrible made-for-tv movie! I hope you didn’t see it. Or, if you did, you snoozed off after the first ten minutes like you were meant to do.