You find yourself in a dark forest at the border of the
fabled kingdom of “Max, Mike; Movies!” The supremely evil yet disturbingly
handsome necromancer SauruMax has cast the terrible ninth-level curse of “You
Can’t Make Me, You Can’t Make Me” on the half-gnome, half-smurf Mikey the Pantsless,
forcing the poor creature to endure the torments of yet another terrible
movie. Will you embark on an epic quest
to help the tragic yet flatulent Mikey? Will you endure the agony with him? Will
you remember to loot the bodies? Will you cast Magic Missile at the darkness?
Yes, this week I subject my unfortunate colleague to a gorge-risingly dull
piece of tripe, based on the “Let’s Take Advantage of Parents’ Fears About
Dungeons and Dragons” novel by Rona Jaffe and starring a bunch of nobodies,
with one or two notable exceptions. One
of them is this kid named Tom Franks or something; seems like he might actually
make something of himself, once he scours the stench of this stinkfest off
himself. For a movie that’s supposed to
terrify parents, it seems more interested in slowly boring its audience to
death. Well, that’s one way to earn
experience points, I guess. It’s got all
the elements of D&D: clueless eighties parents, no real concept of how
role-playing games work, and hats. Lots of hats. Hearken unto us and see if this movie
captures the essence of D&D or if it just captures the essence of a TV
movie that should be avoided at all costs.
Roll for initiative!
Ding! And we’re here for another bone-cracking,
skull-crushing, eye-gouging (self-inflicted, most likely) round of “You Can’t
Make Me, You Can’t Make Me” here at “Max, Mike; Movies!” This week’s chosen
cinematic rusty knife has been chosen by Mike and shoved into my intestines for
my watching agony. I mean pleasure . . . no, no I don’t. This week, Mike’s chosen “poker hand” is the
2008 musical “Repo! The Genetic Opera.” This movie . . . how does one describe
it? Well, how does one describe your average slag heap? We have an . . .
unusual cast: Paul Sorvino, who was actually trained as opera singer (a LONG
time ago), Anthony Stewart Head (Giles, from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”), Alexa
PenaVega (from the “Spy Kids” movies), Paris Hilton . . . no, that’s not a
typo, and Sarah Freakin’ Brightman.
Sarah Brightman. Acclaimed Broadway star, major voice from the original
cast of “Phantom of the Opera”, is in a movie with Paris Hilton. Because when
you think “Sarah Brightman,” you immediately think “Paris Hilton” in the same
breath. Those two go together like fine
champagne and the Wankel Rotary Engine. Somehow they got her in this
movie. I can only hope that they
released her family unharmed afterwards.
The plot? Picture s-f writer Larry Niven’s “organlegging” storylines but make
it legal, throw in a predatory payment plan, guys in hazmat suits based on
fetish bondage gear who “repossess” organs, and fifty-eight, count ‘em,
fifty-eight songs. There’s a bunch of
other plot, too. Is it engaging? Did I
end up caring about the plot, the characters, the songs or the sets? Or did I
just care about someday getting my hands around Mike’s throat? Tune in, turn on
and find out.
Please make sure your safety harness is tightly secured and
that your eye and ear protection is firmly in place, ‘cause in this week’s “You
Can’t Make Me, You Can’t Make Me”, we’re taking on one of the most hated movies
of the last quarter century: “Showgirls.”
Starring “Saved By the Bell” alumna Elizabeth Berkley as a
dancer/stripper (I’ll let that description sink in for a moment), this
Razzie-sweeping tower of dreck was my choice for Mike’s delectation and detestation.
Mike, whether he realized it or not, took it easy on me with “Sherlock Gnomes.”
This week, I show him what mistake that was.
Directed by Paul “Basic Instinct” Verhoeven, this movie continues his
ongoing themes of respect and empowerment for women andbwahHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I’m
sorry, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. Again, as per the rules settled on by the
International Society of Uniform Cinematic Knowledge (iSUCK), only Mike had to
experience the sheer power of “Showgirls.” And when I say “experience the sheer
power,” I mean it in the sense of sitting down in a pool of water with a live
multi-megawatt power cable. I merely
stood back, wearing my smoked glasses, watched the sparks and listened to the
screams. Join us now, and enjoy Mike’s
screams along with me.
Hang on to your hats and your lunches, most respected
listeners! We’re starting up a brand-new series this week on “Max, Mike:
Movies.” For the last few weeks, we’ve been watching some pretty swell movies,
really fine examples of cinema. Well
that. Ends. Now. We’re starting a new
series, appropriately titled “You Can’t Make Me, You Can’t Make Me!” wherein
Mike and I challenge each other (and when I say “challenge,” I mean “torture
and abuse”) by playing a sort of Bad Movie Poker. We take turns choosing the worst pieces of
cinematic dreck we can find and forcing the other person (and ONLY the other
person) to watch them. We will then
compare every two weeks and see who had the “best” hand, “best” meaning “came
closest to causing the other person to claw their own eyes out.” Now as you’ve
guessed, this is no easy task. The two
of us are certainly no strangers to bad movies (remember “In Search of
D&D”?) so we’ve really had to pull on the hazmat suits and slog our way through
Hollywood’s toxic waste dumps to bring you the most steaming radioactive
slagheaps every to be projected on a screen.
This week, Mike makes the opening salvo by launching an animated
crapburger of a sequel that NO ONE demanded, “Sherlock Gnomes,” the follow-up
to “Gnomeo and Juliet.” Yes, these are movies about sentient garden gnomes,
based entirely on their bad-pun titles.
Want to see how badly I’m bleeding after being subjected to this
celluloid root canal? Join us . . . if
Hello, trailer fans! You thought we forgot, didn’t you? DIDN’T
YOU? Well, we didn’t, so who’s the caramel-covered aardvark now, hmm? Yes,
before we start our next series we’ve got a little drain cleanser. I mean, palate cleanser: the long-awaited follow-up
to our Trailer Trash episode. We talked
about the trailers; well, now we’ve actually seen the movies! Us? See movies?
Wow, we really live out there on the edge, don’t we? Well, tune in and see what
we thought of the movies and how well the trailers managed our expectations. And help yourself to some caramel-covered
aardvark. Mmmmm, tasty.