It’s been a long, dark road but we’ve arrived at the final, some might say most foul, entry in our “You Can’t Make Me, You Can’t Make Me” series. Last week, Mike did some serious harm to my psyche with his cruel and unusual “Baby Geniuses” frontal assault, so this week, I reply with the cinematic poisoned dagger of the soul that is “Freddy Got Fingered,” the most dismal (and one of the only) entries in the “career” of Tom Green, a name that strikes a shuddering chill into the hearts of movie-goers. This movie is Tom at Tommy-est. Mr. Green at his Green-est. There are those who say this movie is a satirical masterpiece, an ironic work of genius. Here at Max, Mike; Movies, we respect all opinions. We know there are no right or wrong ideas . . . except for this one. Those people are wrong. Just. Plain. Wrong. You want evidence? Listen to the sad, tattered remnants of Mike soul dribble out into his microphone. Did I top “Baby Geniuses” with this monstrosity? Listen . . . and find out.
Pray for us, dear listeners! More specifically, pray for poor Max who had to endure Mike’s cruel strike in this week’s “You Can’t Make Me, You Can’t Make Me” series; Mike has chosen a serious garbage fire of a movie, “Baby Geniuses,” a movie based on the “premise” that babies under the age of two years old (that EXACT age, by the way; that’s a plot point) are actually hyper-intelligent creatures who can understand any language and know the secrets of the universe. Because, sure. The film’s Bad Guys, who by some cruel trick of the universe are played by the amazing Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd, are trying to exploit infantile wisdom with infantile script writing . . . I mean evil plans. There’s Uncanny Valley levels of weird effects to make it look like the babies are speaking (did I mention this was live-action and not the badly-animated cartoon it sounds like it should be?), wardrobe montages, baby martial arts, bad and often inappropriate jokes . . . yes, this movie has it all. Seriously, this is so bad, it took me an hour into the film to realize I was watching the wrong movie. Huh? For the answer to that and other questions, dive in with us!
Hello, listeners! Smiley-face, pray-hands, smiley-face-with-cat-ears . . . wow, this is harder than I thought. How come so many people are into these emoji things? They take forever! Yes, in this new episode of the back-alley fight we’re calling “You Can’t Make Me, You Can’t Make Me,” I inflict the animated colonoscopy that is “The Emoji Movie” on poor, unsuspecting Mike. Yeesh. This may have been cruel, even for me. Yes, this is another movie in the vein of “Toy Story,” “Wreck-it Ralph” or “Inside Out” which involves the disturbing trope about “things you didn’t know were actually sentient.” Apparently there’s an entire world in each of our smart phones; you know those little pictures you send when you don’t feel that dumb old “words” will do the job? They’re actually self-aware creatures, forced into servitude by the all-powerful phone users . . . huh. This is starting to sound like “Tron.” Well, is it like Tron? Is Mike still speaking to me? Come, find out! Heart, cat-head, bandicoot.
Welcome back to “Max, Mike; Movies”, and here we are slap-bang in the middle of the mind-mangling fray we call “You Can’t Make Me, You Can’t Make Me,” where Mike and I are facing off against one another. Not with bullets or blades but with the weapons we know best: bad movies. In this series, we’re choosing the worst movies we can find and forcing each other to watch them. This week, Mike strikes back at my “Mazes and Monsters” stab with a savage riposte called “Pixels,” one of the most Adam Sandler-y of the Adam Sandler oeuvre. This movie is based on a two and a half minute short with the simple premise of an alien invasion/attack. However, for some reason, the aliens are manifesting as avatars from classic video games, such as Pacman and Space Invaders. Two and a half minutes, and you know what? It works. As a short. As one hundred and six minutes of movie? Starring (of course) Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Josh Gad and Peter Dinklage (oh man, Mr. Dinklage, please forgive me for in any way reminding people that you were stuck in this film. I hope the paycheck covered your children’s’ college tuition. And grad school), this movie follows the “Ready Player One” model as a fantasy for those who grew up in the eighties. Hi, guys! Remember all those hours you wasted in the video arcade playing Centipede? Turns out it wasn’t a waste of time! Those “skills” are the very thing humanity will need to fight off an alien invasion! See, it’s a GOOD thing you never went outside!
Hoo boy. So, this film makes me question if there is truly any good in humanity. Um, I mean, come listen and see if I liked it or something. Oh dear, was that a spoiler?